Reading back my old posts

I have been writing on and off in this blog of mine

Mostly about my days
And also about guys yg saya suka..

Haha..
And after reading back..

I think..
The current obsession is a repeatition actually..

He has been there..
And i have been admiring him before..
And i forgot about him  because abang kapten berada di sisi.

Now that abang kapten dh pergi jauh tinggalkan aku sndiri..
I am obsessing over him again..

But now..
We are more matured..
But i am still the silly girl..
Always..

Awak..

The vibes when i am with u..
Is so much different with the vibes when i was with abg kapten..

U make me smile..
He made me smile as well..
But for different reasons..

When he is around..
I feel so excited..palpitation..blood rushing through my veins..pumping my heart three zillion times faster..

But then..
When i am with u..
I feel that u really do care..
U really listen to me..
U put aside ur phone..ignore the calls.. and the messages..
Just to listen to my stupid stories...
U stop eating..u stop everything..
Just to lend ur ears to me..

Oh tell me now..
How do i avoid falling in love with u..

Awak..
I am a silly ugly girl..
I have nothing to offer to u..
But i just want u to know..
I will love u unconditionally through out the remaining years that i have..
Come what may..
Only if u come and tell me...
That u r feeling the same way too..

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During lunch part 1

Inside his car..
Today is his turn to drive..

We were talking about the fire that happened this morning in HSA JB..


Then..
Dia mula cerita mcm2 benda yg buat kta merenung dia sepanjang dia bcakap masa dlm kereta tu..
I was really listening to him..in awe..
Sambil mulut melopong..
And when he turned and look..
Mmg buat kta kagum sgt dgn dia..

Oh..he is sooo mature..and well versed..
Nampak mcm simple and klaka2 orgnya..
But he can talk about serious matters..
Tp dgn gaya mendidik..dan tenang sekali..

And he is as playful as he is..
Wada..cuba teka.. apa amalan yg paling berat timbangan nya di sisi Allah..
And i answered many2 times..takde yg betul..

Me: doa
Him: bukan

Me: beramal pd ibubapa
Him:bukan

Me: sedekah amal jariah
Him:bukan

Me: baca quran
Him:bukan

Me:zikir
Him: bukan

Me:ingat Allah stiap masa
Him: bukan

Me:ikhlas
Him: bukan wada..paling simple..

Ntah la..apa lagi benda simple..smuanya kta dh sebut..
Him: Akhlak.. senangkan.. akhlak yg baik..tp..bukan senangkan nak ada akhlak yg baik..

😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁

Awwww..kenapa la awak ni sgt la main dgn hati kita.. uwaaa..

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Him Again

Semalam dia sms me..
Wada..awk tak nak keluar mkn ke arini..?

But i read the sms late..130pm baru baca..

So..mmg xsempat la kan..

So today..
Awal2 dh mesej dia dh..

Jom arini keluar makan..kta stress kerja kta ni..

Ok..nnt roger2 k..

Tp..sbb bz kat clinic..
Kul 1245 pun masih xsettle2 tgk pt..

He texted at 1259..
Wada..jom3..

So..i finished the pt's plan..terus bergegas..

Waited for him..
And we went out for lunch together..

To be continued..
P/s: he made me fall again for him..
Macam mana awk bole ckp mcm2 perihal agama as well sambil awk drive kereta..sambil awk senyum2..sambil awk explain dgn relaxnya..?
And plz dont give me that look.. i can easily fall too deeply for u if u keep on staring each time i am telling u stories..

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Again with him

Arini clinic abes agak awal..
I managed to finish my patients tepat pukul 1pm..
Wow..terer sgt..haha

So as usual..
I texted him..

Awk..jom keluar makan..

Ok.jom..

Eh..kejap..kat mana..?

Naik kereta awk bole..?

Me: ok..

Cepat wada..dh lambat ni..

Jap..terserempak dr Lau..haha.

And he has already waited at the front of RT Counter..

Jap ek wada..ada call nk kena buat ni..

Ok..

So we walked along and he continued with his phone call..

While covering the front speaker of his phone -nnt kta citer kat awak ek..

Me:ok..

So i drived..
And he talked..on his phone..
Haha..

Eh eh..sejak bila la aku ni jadi sopan kan..?
I am a rebellious girl..
And i do whatever that i wanna do..
Tp..

So..sambil dia ckp telefon..sambil dia ckp with me..

Haha..

Nak gi mana wada..?

Kta gi ayer@8 bole..?

Ok..bole..

And we arrived..
And we ate at assam house..

And we ordered..
And we talk again..

Isyh..banyak benda awk xciter kat kta..

Eh..kta citer la smua kat awk..

Tak.. awk x citer pun pegi sempadan tu...

Haha.. takde la wada..
Kta skrg ni ada one group of friends.. 4 of us.. travelling backpackers style..truly backpackers..tak macam awk yg travel fancy2..
Haha..😆😆😆
(Amboi..suka2 perli kta kan..?)😅😅

Me: Oooo..

All guys..
(Haha..kalau ada girl pn apa salahnya kan.. and i dont dig up to that extend)

And he continued..
Tp travel mmg with very minimal budget...we dont fly..we drive and walk from one place to another..
Mmg very2 minimal spending..
Tp i dont agree with sleeping by the roadside smua tu la...i insisted on staying in proper room at least..

😂😂😂😂
Really didi..? And now i am the one laughing..

Haha.

Ye wada..coz diorg mmg xde duit sgt..tp nak travel2 tgk dunia..so.. tu yang mcm tu..

But then.. awk xpegi ke tgk2 tempat2 bersejarah la..cultural show ke .. muzium ke..

Xde wada.. just pegi..amik2 gamba..tgk.kehidupan kat sana..and balik..

Hmmm.awak enjoy ke..?

Xsangat..

Then why do u join them..?

Sambil dia angkat bahu tanda taktahu..


Aisyhhh ini budak....😓😓😓
Ok..to be continued..haha

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After years..

Years..
He left me for years..

But still..
A single hello from him..
From whatsapp aje pulak tu..
Really makes me shiver..
I was trembling..
And it becomes harder to breathe..

Imagine..
U r still with a patient..
Explaining about his medical condition..
And then..as u need to take pic of the pt' lesion for documentation purpose..

When u opened up your phone..
The first thing that popped up on your screen is..
"Salam.. wada sihat..?"

So..
How do u feel..?

Me..?
I was really shivering..
The pt was still in front of me..
And i just cant breathe.
I cant keep my hands from shaking..
I cant keep my eyes from crying..
I was trying to explain to the pt..while trying hardly not to cry in front of the pt..
And i was tachypneic all of a sudden..
I cant even speak in full sentence....


Dear kapten nun jauh di sana..
I have been trying to forget u..
It has been years..
And a single message from u...
Really keeps all the memory overflowing my mind..

Dear kapten..
I have been loving u too long..
U have been away for too long as well..
And i dont know how this will end..
But..
I just cant do this anymore..
I just cant..

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U should know that..

Awk..
U should know that..
I genuinely care for u..
Not to say that i am trying to make u love me..
No..

Awk..
U should know that..
I have never ever asked u for any return..
I am doing all these just so u know that there is still someone who thinks of u everyday..

Awk..
U should know that..
I may be annoying.. and all that i did may make u feel annoyed..
But..
U can always tell me that..
If u feel that i am making u feel uncomfortable or anything la..

But..
U should not do what u have done to me now..

U should know that i am also a girl with a pride..

And for u..
I have thrown my pride away..
But not anymore..

Sorry to say..
I will not ask anything to u anymore..
I will not care about u anymore..

May u be well..
I wont ask anything after this..
Goodbye..

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Takut

Kta takut nk tanya awk

Sbb smlm kakmun ckp..
Faidz bgtau kakmun..
Awk ada girlfriend..
Dan he is sure it is not me..

Kalau kta gf awk.mst la kta tau kan..
But no..
He is quite sure that u have someone..

So..
Kkta xtau nk ckp apa..
Speechless..

Should i ask u..
Or should not..?

Sbb kalau mmg awk ada gf..kta nk start jauhkan diri dpd awk..
Tp kalau awk xde gf..kta masih ada harapan..

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Me-young ( read as miang) 😛😛😛

I texted him..
Gediks kan iolzz..

Awk mcm mana arini..? Sorry mesej malam2 buta..kta locum arini.. take care..

And his reply:

Wow..terernya wada..kta kat ..... mall..main bowling dgn family..

Alamaks..
Apa yg terer nya?
Haha.
Adakah sy seperti perempuan bz body di situ..?
I just texted u..so that awk take care..
Plz do take a good care of yourself k..

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More of him

Semalam punya cerita..
Arini he is not around..
And i was busy in the ward..
Balik kerja magrib..
Sedih...

Ok..
More of him..

Adiknya call..nk suruh dia bawak kereta honda dia pegi merisik nun di besut..
But he disagreed..
He asked the brother to bring his own car..
Coz he is tired..
Balik keja dh nak kena gerak ke terengganu..

The brother keeps on asking for him to drive his accord instead..

He insisted not to..

After he hang up the phone..:

Adik kta ni..sibuk nk suruh bwk kereta kta gi sana..dh la dh lunyai kereta tu dia bawak..

Ala..xpe la..abang nya kan ada kereta besar.. awk kan nk gi merisik..so..kena la tunjuk yg the best..

Wada..alza tu kereta dia..so bawak la kereta dia..knpa nk bawak kereta honda pulak..

Apa salahnya..mana tau girlfriend adik awk dh siap ckp pd fmily dia.. man ada kereta besar.. tak pun..abg man ada kereta besar.. mana tau mak ayah dia yg teringin naik kereta awk..bawak je la..diorg pun bangga la nnt yg dtg merisik bawak kereta besar..

Ishhh..wada ni..tu mcm nak menunjuk2 je..

Apa salahnya menunjuk2..awk kan nk pegi merisik..mmg la kena tunjuk yg the best..

Ish..xelok tau menunjuk2.. xpe la..naik la kereta alza tu...lgpn.alza tu mmg man punya..kta nak jaga la kereta kta punya value..

Ok..suka ati awk la..mana2 pun ok..


Then..
Petang sebelum dia balik...

We met as i wanted to give daging korban tu..

Nnt baik2 tau.. adik awk drive kn..ati2 k..

Eh wada ni..takla..kta yg drive..
And he smiles...


Maka sy pun tersengih bak kerang busuk di situ..
Td nak suruh si man yg drive kereta alza..
Then tukar fikiran lak..dia yg drive ke sana..


And at 1230am i received a text message that he has just arrived..

Smoga awk selamat kat sana
Smoga perjalanan pulang awk pun selamat..
Smoga dpermudahkan urusan merisik utk adik awk..
Paling utama..smoga awk tak jatuh hati dgn awek2 di sana..

Haha

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Again

Bermasalah dh hidup ku ini..
And i think i am falling in love with him..again and again..

Tak tau nk ckp dgn siapa..
Tapi hati ni meronta2 nk mntk someone to help release all these feelings that i have for him..

We went out for our lunch today..

Arini awk keluar lunch..?

Keluar kot wada..gi tapperz jom..

Ok..jom..

As easy as that..
So we went out..
And i think i am falling for him more sbb he sacrifices a lot for d family..
A lot..

Esok kta cuti..

Oh..ok..

Esok kta nak g terengganu..Ni la..nak anta adik kta pergi merisik..

Eh..awk x cerita pun nk g terengganu..

Ni kta cerita la ni..hehe..


And the story went on and on and on..

I am there listening to his stories and what i can really say is that..he cares so much about his siblings and he thinks less for himself..

His brother called..
And the way he talked to him..oh..
I have seen another guy yg bercakap with his adik lelaki as well..
Tp no..
He is so soft and his tone when he talks with his brother..
ya Allah.. i dont know if i am that kind and loving to my baby sister..

And lots of things happen..
Basically..
Small things..
But for me..
The small things are the one that matters the most..

When he laughs..
And teased..
When he tells all his worries and woes with his bos and all..
When he waited as what he has promised to me..

Oh..if only he knows.

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Terharu

Kena tulis gak kat sini..
Takut lupa..

Awk keluar makan mana..?

Kta tak tau lagi.. awk kat mana..?

Kta kat serdang lagi..lama lak amik daging2 tu..mak mertua adik kta banyak bcerita..

Oooo..

Hmm.awk nk makan mana..? Kta anta pd tempat makan awk je la..

Eh.. xpe.xpe..hmmm..kta tunggu la..awk agak2 sampai dlm kul brapa..?

Hmm.kta takut jamm..so..dlm setengah jam camtu..ala..tp nnt awk lambat nk gi makan..kta sampai around 1.25pm..ala..

Xpela..kta tunggu la awk..

Abes..awk nk mkn lunch apa..

Xpe la..kta beli je apa2 kat bawah ni..

Ala..xpela ..awk gi la keluar makan..nnt ptg sikit kta dtg ikn..

Eh..eh..awk xpayah la ulang alik..susahkan awk je..

Xpeje..umah kta xjauh sgt pn dpd ikn..

Xpe..xpayah ulang alik..susah awk je wada..awk cuti smpai bila..? Bila awk kerja..?

Esok kta dh kerja..

Esok je wada..xpayah la susah2 ulang alik..esok k..

Xpe ke..?

Xpe..jangan susah2 ulang alik..esok k..

Ok..tq

Esok je tau.. see you wada.. see u..

And i hang up....


Awww..
Camne ni..
Xpayah la nak buat2 org cair siap ckp see you wada..see u..

Ish..kta ni ntah sape2 je la..jangan la buat kta terharu ganda 23..😶😶😶😶

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Tak pantas untukmu

Was browsing through his FB..
And tekan sana..tekan sini..
Tiba2 masalah lama dtg smula..
I dont think that i am good enough for him..

1st..he has been living with orang2 cantik..
Both his sisters are pretty..
Mmg mereka tak fotogenik sgt..but in real life.. mereka cantik..putih..kulit bersih.. and tinggi kurus..
Seriously..
So kecantikan adalah satu kebiasaan utk dia..

2nd..he has everything..
Dia ada duit..and harta..
And his title.. of course i am a Dr as well but.. in a wider context..
A male Dr and has everything..
Duit..harta..kereta..
What else do u want in a guy..?

3rd..he can choose..
Face it wada..
Of course everyone will choose someone yg younger.. if not younger pun..someone yg lebih cantik..
Which i am not..
I am an ugly old girl..full stop..

4th..he is funny and suka bercakap and suka tolong org..
So.. of course la..another plus point for him..

5th..have i mentioned that he is a single doctor..?
So..yeahhhh..he has everything..

So..
Menyedari hakikat ni smua..
Sebelum aku lebih jauh terjerumus dlm kancah kekeliruan yg bakal membuat aku lebih merana..
Aku harus dgn rela hati mengundur diri..

Walaupun harapan utk mendapat someone yg baik dan memahami tu mungkin do-able with him..
Tp..melihat dalam keadaan aku skrg..dibandingkan dia..
Aku tak layak..

So..
Faham2 la hati..
Jangan lebih banyak terjatuh terhadap dia..

Jangan duk usya2 carik dia parking mana ari2..
Jangan duk tgk2 jam dgn harapan menggunung dpt jumpa dia..kejap pn jadi la..
Jangan duk mesej2 dia dh..tanya kabar la..awk ok ke x la.. plastik sgt wada..

Dont wada..
Dont..

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U made me think..again

Malu kta wada...

Awk ni..dgn kta pun nak segan..

Yela..banyak duit awk keluar..penat awk keja...

No worry..awk pn penat keja jugak...

Hmmm..
Now tell me..
What should i do with him..
Makin hari makin buat kta terharu...

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U made me think..

Tak tahan with my work.
To the max..

So arini..
Membebel2..
Tp sbb iolzz balik lambat..so iollzz membebel2 dlm fon..
Dia dh nk smpai umah dh pun masa tu..

Up to the extent yg membebel sepanjang dlm kereta..

And tanya pd dia..
Kta dh bosan dh with my job..
I am thinking of pindah ke tempat lain..

Awk nak pindah mana, wada..
Sayangla sbb awk dh senior..byk pengalaman dh..

Kalau cmtu..kta xtau la didi.. kta nk mntk master benda2 simple la..physio ke..then jadi lecturer..

Or..should i just go to major posting..tp tu la..kta xnak buat master onco..

Kta encourage awk pegi major posting wada..
At least awk ada setahun away from onco..
Kta encourage..awk buat la major posting..


Hmmmm..
The problem is...
I dont think i can go to major posting just because i dont think i can go too far away from u..
I know this is crazy and i am becoming crazier than before..
But..
I really think the main reason now is..i dont think i can stand the thoughts of being away from u..
Skrg..ari2 i have a reason to come to work..
Angau punya pasal..
Seeing ur car itself can make me smile..
But..
Being 1 year away is too much..

I dont know if u r with someone or not..
or if u r still available or not..

But then, a single male doctor does not sound reasonable nowadays..
Baik lak tu..
Lemah lembut lak tu..
Happy all the time lak tu..
And u love ur mom soooooo much..

But then, we r just friends and here i am, getting my heart tangled with this stupid feeling again..

Maybe i should just go to major posting..
Runaway from my hectic job..
More importantly..
Runaway from the stupid feelings that i have for u..again..

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I dont know part 1

I really dont know what i want in life
I think i hv enough..
But now i want more..
I think i am becoming more selfish with each passing days..

Doa dan doa dan terus berdoa..
Apa yg saya doakan?
Semoga ditemukan jodoh dgn lelaki yg dpt menyayangi saya dan membimbing saya ke jalan Allah sepanjang hayatnya..
Tu je..
Simple kan..?

People has been asking what do i want in a guy..?
Frankly speaking..i dont think i have any specific criteria..
E.g one good friend of mine said the top 3 criteria for a guy that she wants is
1) handsome
2) handsome
3) handsome

That's all 😁😁😁😁

Simple kan..
She can surely describe one's facial features in depth..
Sampai bole terbayang rupa org tu mcm mana..
Hehehe..

But then..
For me..?

I dont know..

Sbb agak susah kan..
I am the eldest in my siblings
So..that guy has to be able to understand me..

To whom ever who has been destined to be with me..

Dear awak..
Kta xde pape yg dpt kta bagi pada awk..
Kta xde masa yg byk utk spend sbb masa kta kena dibahagikan utk kerja, family and locum..
Kta xde duit yg byk utk spend pd awk sbb duit kta mmg ngam2 je tiap2 bulan..
Kta xde kecantikan yg bole sentiasa mempersonakan awk..
Kta xde kerajinan utk sentiasa kemaskan rumah, buat kerja rumah , masak sedap2 sbb kta penat dh hari2 bekerja..stress layan patients..stress layan karenah nurses and sisters kat clinic yg tak membantu pape..stress kena marah dgn bossess lagi..

Tapi..
Kta akan sentiasa ada bila awk perlukan kta
Kta akan sentiasa bersama awk dlm jatuh bangun awk..biar tunggang langgang mcm mana pun..kta akan tempuh juga..
Kta akan sentiasa setia.
Dan jangan ditanya sesetia mana kta ni..
Sbb takde pita pengukur atau ruler atau apa2 yg dpt kira sejauh mana kta akan pergi utk org yg kta syg tu..

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I am speechless again

Today is day 2 for Didi to be alone without his beloved mother..

As usual..me being busybody

I called him everyday..
Tapi mmg sekali je la sehari..
Haha..
Kalau call selalu sgt.. nanti kelihatan terlalu pelik di situ..

But..
As he is such a good friend to me..and being a good person himself..and not to mention that he has done the very best for his mother too,
What ever that he feels really do affect me as well..

Bayangkan la..
Kalau selalu telefon sure kta akan gelak2 besar kalau ckp dgn dia..
Mmg gelak besar yg tak agak2 ok..
We have been friends for quite some time..so.. mmg gelak tak agak2 tau kalau ckp2 dgn dia..
But now..
Every word that he says.. it will quiver..
U can even the shattered pieces of his heart..

Didi..
Tabah la ya..
Ari ari kta doakan awk..
Smoga awk tabah
Smoga awk kuat..
InsyaAllah mama awak tenang kat sana..
Dengan anak sebaik awk...
Yang akan selalu bekalkan dia dgn doa2 awk yang tak putus2 tu..
Bertahan didi..

And to listen to your voice everyday really is not easy..
Coz while listening to u..my heart cries as well..

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I am really speechless

Arini.. 25 july 2016..

Arini i am off sbb abah punya appointment kat HPJ..
After sending abah and mama and baby to HPJ.. i directly go to BSN putrajaya..
Hajat hati nak bayar duit kereta..
Tapi.. my ATM tu dah xdapat diterima oleh mana2 machine atm..
Gerammm..
So here i am..in Bank Islam cyberjaya..
Tunggu nak buat kad atm baru..hehe..
Why cyberjaya..?
Senang parking 
Tak ramai org..
Hehehe..

Tp.. sebenarnya..
Ada citer nak tulis..
Tp tiba2 malas..
So..later la ya

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Two times

23rd July 2016..
Saturday..

I started my day with locum..
My locum was for morning and evening shift..

And..
Around 11am..i read in FB..
Didi's mother is not doing good..
She was in ED and was intubated.

I tried to call him but it went to voicemail..

As patients keep on coming..
I didnt manage to contact him again..
I did sent a message saying that if he needs someone to talk to..he can call me..

And he called..
But i didnt noticed..due to too many came to the clinic at that time..
During lunch break..i noticed his missed call..
So i called him back..

He was crying...

And this is the second time a guy cried to me while talking to me..

I cried silently over the phone..
Tears running down my cheeks..

I just say yess..hmmm..yess...
I dont really know what to say..
And it really breaks my heart to listen to his sad sad story of his mom...

I eventually managed to go and meet him after dinner with makcu and d family..

And he was in super sad condition..
And i feel so bad for him..

What could i do to ease his pain?
Pray and pray and keep on praying for d best..
For him..for his family..
Especially for his mother...


Why do i wrote this down..?

Coz he is not the first guy who cried to me..

The first one was a guy back in 4th year medical student..
During which he failed his community medicine posting.. due to attitude problem..

He called me..
And cried..
And cried..
And he told me this..
"Dah lepas ni wada jangan cari "saya" lagi..
"Saya" tak tau mcm mana bole jadi mcm ni..

I also cried at that time..
For i was the fool..who thought that we would have a chance to stay together till forever..

It really broke my heart at that time that he was so sad that he was planning to run away and stop studying in malaysia..

But eventually both of us managed to pass our exam and each of us has MBBS now..

And today..
I saw him again..
After being the stupid girl for the past few years..
In PPUM..while visiting Didi..

And my heart shattered for the thousandth times..

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Where is my jong kook..?😢

Sekarang makin kerap tgk jihyo-jong kook..
Kenapa..?
Pernah dengar angau..?
Of coz.. sbb angau kan kisah cinta diorg berdua..
No other reason..

Hmmm..
Tp yg lebih utama..
Coz i really really really hope to find my own jong kook..

At one point of my life.. i felt that i already found him..
But then..he just left me alone..

But..whenever i watch jong kook..and ji hyo..
I would be reminded of him..and our past memories..
And day by day..
My conclusion is.. love is never for me..ever

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Satu hari di hari raya

Ke hadapan sang kapten di sana..

Dari hari ke hari
Minggu ke minggu
Bulan ke bulan
Bahkan sekarang setelah bertahun-tahun..

Telah sedaya upaya kta usahakan utk lupakan anda..
Lenyapkan nama anda..
Padamkan number anda..
Buangkan smua nota2 yg kta tulis kisah anda..
Campak jauh2 smua kenangan dgn anda..

Tapi..
Payahnya nak hilangkan anda dpd minda ni..
Tuhan sahaja yg tahu..

Tanya la bila kali terakhir nama anda terlintas dlm fikiran kta..
Tanya la bila kali terakhir kisah anda terbayang di mata kta..

Dan dgn senangnya anda hantar kan mesej mcmtu..
Copy paste..letak nama kta..then send pd kta..
Just like that..

Kta rasa..
Awak takkan dpt anyone that can love u as much as i do..as i always do..
And i am so sorry..
I just cant forget u..

All these feelings..

Setiap tahun awk anta mesej mcm ni..
And setiap tahun kta akan ckp benda yg sama..
Maaf zahir batin..
I really do mean all that..
Tp setiap tahun when u do like this..
My heart will start to bleed again..
And it is all my fault..
Sbb awk mmg dh mntk maaf setiap tahun..
Dah kta mmg dh maafkan setiap tahun..

Dan utk kesekian kalinya..

Kta rasa..
Awk tak perlu anta apa2 mesej pd kta dah..
I do appreciate it..
But u just make me sad again..
And i dont really need to be sad like this..
Coz hari ni kan raya..


Ke hadapan sang kapten di sana..

Smoga awk bahagia di hari raya..
Selamat menyambut aidilfitri..
Maaf zahir dan batin..

And..
Please..
Lets both of us just move on..

Slamat berkhidmat pd negara bangsa dan agama..

Thanks for all these heartache and tears and sleepless nights..
I have already forgiven u years ago..
But i just want u to know..
I dont really want to know anything about u ever again..

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My Little Baby sister

Cuba baca my baby sis tulis caption apa pd IG dia..
Bole pulak si combi ni tanya camtu..? 😁

Funny bunny kan dia ni sorg..

Baby..
Of course la kakak syg adik2nya
Lagi lak kalau adik tu baik..comel.. rajin..bijak..suka menolong..xpernah berkira... cheeky lak tu..

Sape tak syg kalau tiap2 malam bila balik locum dia masih tunggu kat depan umah ( with my beloved mama abah as well)..

Lagi tambah terharu..for sure ada masakan/makanan yg dia siap2 prepare utk kakak dia yg selalu kecapekan diasak patients yg melambak masa locum..haha

Tu tak kira lagi macam2 benda kecik2 yg dia slalu buat utk kakak dia yg malas ni..
Haha..

Sayang..
Of course la kakyu syg awk sgt2..
If only i have everything in d world.. i would give everything and anything for u..
Love u always n forever..

Muahhhh..

-bebelan kakak malas-

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Dugaan 1st Ramadhan

Stressnya arini..
dah la dtg lambat..
hampir nak terlanggar dgn kereta big boss sbb nk keluar simpang cepat2..
parking dh penuh sbb ada raptai arini utk kedatangan permaisuri esok..
then main parking je tepi kereta org.. tp lepas tu kena tegur ngan pak guard pulak sbb parking tempat larangan.. then dia suruh parking tepi tong sampah.. tp kalau apa2..kena alihkan kereta..😭😭

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Kisah Maklong yg excited

Excited nau la iolzz kan..
Shopping baju utk baby qu secara online je..
Hehehe

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Kenapa saya suka Kim Jong Kook

As the title said..
The reason i wrote this is to tell myself..
The main reason why i like this kim jong kook guy in running man..
Is that he reminds me of u..

Of course..both of u r different physically..
He is all muscled up,tough and all buffed..
While u r tall and lean and slim..
But..
Both of u r the same..

He smiles for all the reasons that would make u smile..
He is loud..and truthfull..
His words can be hurtful at times but his meanings are all well..
Just like u..

He loves sports and is proud of it..
Same like u..

Most of all, though exteriorly he is so tough.. he has the softest heart..he can be so caring and tender and loving to the one that he wants to..
He does not say it loud but his actions speaks louder than his voice..
And it echoes a million miles away..
Similar as u..

And thus..
Each time when i watch running man..
Each time when i see kim jong kook..
I am actually seeing you..
Each and everytime..

Though u r so far away..
Just to let u know..
U r never far away from my heart..

Though i am nothing to u..
U mean a million years to me..
And to you, my heart sank...

"It matters how this ends..
What if i never love again..."

And till today,i never love again...



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Funny

Funny funny..

Sehari di dalam ward..

Patient is on regular aq morphine 4H and PRN..
Still complains of pain..
Requesting more and more painkiller..
So.. i add on t.ibuprofen as well..
After half an hour.. pt was walking in the ward..

Staff nurse: uncle..uncle mau pegi mana..?
Patient: jalan2 ward..
Staff nurse: uncle jangan jalan banyak2.. nnt makin sakit..
Patient: sudah makan ubat..sudah takde sakit..makan ubat banyak kuat..

Doctor tergelak sorang2.. hehehe..ibuprofen lagi kuat daripada morphine rupanya..hihihi 😅😅😅

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Kenapa masih begini..

Entah kenapa...
Hati masih terasa sakit pedih terluka..
Tak pernah sebut langsung nama dia
Tak pernah langsung fikir pasal dia..
Tp..
Setiap hari masih terngiang2 suara dia.. nama dia sentiasa berlegar dlm minda..

Maka hati masih menangis setiap hari mengenangkan org yg dah lama membiarkan aku terkapai2 keseorangan di sini...

"Aku terima cintaku dipersiakan..
Aku kau lupa
Aku kau luka
Tanpa kau sedar..."

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Happy Birthday Abah

My beloved Abah Mama

Happy birthday to Abah..the one man that i love the most in this whole wide world..

The one who is always there for me..
Masa susah susah for sure abah is the first one that i ask for help..
Abah tayar akak pecah..
Abah, akak xcukup duit..
Abah, tolong anta kan akak gi kerja...
Semuanya abah..

The one who will wait for me until i arrive safely at home..
He will wait for me setiap kali i go out doing locum..
Kadang2 sampai tertido kat sofa tunggu Ayu balik locum..
Pernah jugak abah tunggu2 tapi ayu xbalik2 walau dh lewat malam..rupanya Ayu oncall on that day..

The one who will say "ok" to all my sudden impulsive suggestions..
Abah, jom gi jalan sini.. Ok kak..
Abah, jom gi makan kat sana.. Ok kak..jom.
Abah,nnt kta buat mcm ni nak.. Ok kak..boleh..

The one who has sacrificed a lot for me and my sisters..

The one who always cheer me up..

The one and only man that i love..

Thanks a lot Abah ku syg..

I may not be the best daughter that Abah has..but i'm trying to..
But for sure, Abah is the best father that anyone can ask for..and for that i thank Allah each and everytime..

Ayu doakan Abah selalu sihat,selalu bahagia and selalu gembira..

Happy Birthday Abahku sayang😍😘😘😘😘

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Kenangan silam

Bila bukak fb arini..
Nampak satu pic ni..

My heart skipped a beat..
And it arhythmically beats again..

There he was. 
Standing tall..
With a smile...
Oh how i wonder if i did see the sparkles in his eyes?
The glitters which i usually found when i look into his eyes..

Oh how i miss all his laugh..n smile.. n his silly jokes...and his singing..

All the smiles that u can see from afar..

But all in all.
I can see that all his memories are fading..
I just miss him for the memories..
But i dont really miss him..
I dont know..
I miss him but i dont miss him..

"Kalau memang tiada jodoh..
Apa lagi nak ku heboh..
Aku malu pada teman..
Pada semua...
Rindu....
Rindu serindu rindunya
Namun engkau tak mengerti
Pilu....
Pilu sepilu pilunya..
Namun engkau tak peduli..
Mahu..
Semahu mahunya..
Namun apa daya..
Orang tak sudi.."



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Kenapa..

Tadi keluar makan lunch..
And was asked by my friend..
"Wada..kenapa xnak pegi wedding AJ nnt?"

Kta fly ke hong kong la on that day..

"Oooo.. eh..aritu wedding gee pun wada xnak pegi kan? Kenapa? Sombong la wada ni... best tau..jumpa geng2 semula.."

Eh..xla..masa wedding dia aritu kta balik melaka..ada wedding sedara mara kalau xsilap kta..

" ye ke..ke wada sombong? Sombong la awk ni...."

.....bukan sengaja kta xpegi..tp..mmg kta elak2 dpd pegi gathering or anywhere yg ada possibility terserempak dgn sumone yg kta xmau jumpa dah..
Coz.. i just cant accept it anymore..
Dah bertahun dah berlalu..tp..sakit nya masih sama..
Masih terasa perit nya...

P/s: after years.. and i dont know why.. tetiba semalam dia like my fb pic.. like whatttttt....😨😨😨

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Kisah Postcall

Post call 2 days ago..
And it was an experience of a life time..
I have been working for almost 5 years..
Many ups and downs..
Tears of joy and sorrow..
But my last oncall was one of a kind..

Bayangkan betapa cuak nya when a quite fine lady (a case of advance stomach cancer) suddenly collapse in front of your eyes..

She was fine few moments before that..
She even asked me if she can be discharged..

"Maaf puan.. sy xbole discharge kan puan lagi.. hemoglobin puan masih rendah (darah merah) dan nadi puan masih laju..menandakan puan masih perlukan blood transfusion
Kta cuba tgk esok camne ya.."

And true..she was discharged home the next morning..
But sadly.. discharged to the final destination for all human.. 😢

And..yang lebih membuatkan saya lebih terpikir tentang kehidupan..
Bila mana abang2 pesakit tersebut menerima dgn redha yg adik mereka meninggal tiba2..
Even the 2nd brother informed that he already knew that the sister is going..

And they thanked us both for attending their sister during her last breath..

Soalan pertama yg ditanya oleh abangnya..

"Dr..dia 'pergi' dgn senang ke..? Ada sesiapa sempat ajar dia mengucap ke di hujung hayatnya..?"

Sungguh..hanya mereka yg beragama yg mampu setenang itu menutur kata dalam berhadapan dgn kematian..

Dan..aku terasa betapa batunya hatiku ini di kala itu..

Ya Allah.. 😣

After years of no entry

Lepas bertahun tanpa apa2 entry..
Today i decided to start blogging..again..
about what? Just my ranting and chanting maybe..
Haha..
So..may the pic bring more energy to me..
Hidup x selalu nya happy..
Tapi.. kuasa Allah yg Maha Penyayang akan sentiasa buat kta bahagia.. InsyaAllah
😊😊