Terdengar lagu ziana zain 2nights ago while I was driving back home..late at night..

And all that comes to my mind was how miserable I was and I am still miserable..

"Termenung dalam gelisah..

Kudakap potret indah ini...

Terimbas kini di memoriku masa kita bersama.

Dalam rindu..

Ku genggami warkah cinta itu yg penuh luka.

Tercoret kata memilukan aku membacanya dlm gementar..

Antara kita tiada bahagia..

Kemesraan ini menduga waktu meniti  hari-hari tiada bersama mu..

Mengapa kita teruskan...."

And it breaks my heart into pieces..

I thought I have already get over all this stupid feeling..

Tp rupanya tidak...

Setahun is still not enough..

And as usual. I am the fool one.

Coz only a fool falls in love...

my sisters

Rindu kat IJA..

Kalau ija kat umah, ija slalu tolong buat kerja rumah...rajin giler..

Rindu kat IJA ;)

hati2 wahai hati

Kadang2..aku cepat judge org..

And sometimes I have to force a fake smile to paste on my face..

Bukan la aku berpura2..

Tp hati ni yg xreti mengawal diri..

Haisyh .Susah Kalau punya hati seperti ini..

Tp kadang terpikir..

Org bole tau ke yg aku xsuka pd org tu..??

Coz my sisters slalu ckp that my expressions r too obvious..

If I like sumone/sumthing it shows..

And it shows even more if I hate sumone/sum thing..

Hahaha..

Should wear a man maybe after this..

So that people won't know :p

after a month plus~

Dah lama x menulis

Bukan sbb apa..

Sbb xsempat..

And ati masih rasa sedih..

Sbb Abah masih belum sihat sepenuhnya..

Tp alhamdulillah..his condition is improving..

Sekarang jalan2 dlm umah xpayah pakai tongkat Dah .

And especially when all of us are around, the house is still as happy as always..

Walaupn sekarang kami sekeluarga dah makin jarang keluar berjalan2 dan makan2...

Walaupun kami Dah jarang gi mana2..and selalu makan at home...tp, as long as Abah makin sihat..mama kekal sihat..then, that is good enough for me..

Alhamdulillah..

P/s: and sbb aku agak selalu ber-locum..bukan sbb aku Mata duitan..tp Kalau bole nk kumpul duit..ada Banyak planning dlm kpala ni, hopefully dpt aku laksanakan dan semoga sempat aku laksanakan...

kesayangans

My kesayangans..
Selain dpd my family..
Adalah my frenz.

And ni adalah kesayangans saya yg dduk kat mlaka sekarang..

My beloved MAs yg cool n sempoi n best!!
And they r all very helpful and slalu buat kta terharu..
Thanks a lot korg..
Thanks sbb slalu support kta..
Sorry sgt kta xdpt balik mlaka nk jmpa korg before korg pindah..

I am missing u guys sooooo much..

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i used to

For years..
I used to b d first to wish him HB..
Even masa kawan2 dia buat surprise party utk dia..aku yg tgh ckp over d fon dgn dia..

Tp starting from this year..
I am not d first..
And i wouldnt even wish him anything....
Sbb luka di hati masih bdarah..
I used to be d one yg d first to see all his pics in fb when he uploaded his pics..
Dia akan suruh aku tgk terus if there is any new pics of him yg kwn2 dia upload..
But now...

I cant even see any new posts or any new pics of him in fb...

Nampak sgt kan betapa dia bencikan aku..
Sampai tgk kat wall fb dia pn dia "xbagi"
Nampak sgt that i have been 'block' to see any pics of him..anything about him...

Kepada dia yg tarikh lahir nya pd 9/11/1986
Yg asal dpd pontian johor..
Yg kereta nya berplat "JNL 911"..

This post is dedicated for u..

Happy belated birthday
Thank u sbb dh buat kta mcm ni..
I really appreciate all these experience..
Thanks sbb buat kta xpercaya pada lelaki lg dh
Thanks sbb buat kta hate urself sooooo much..
Thanks sbb buat hati kta kecewa smpai tak terubat.....
Thanks sbb bg harapan setinggi angkasa then lepas tu just ignorekan aje

Smoga u get everything that u want in ur life..
Smoga u get d most beautiful girl to be ur wife..the one who can love u more than herself..the one who can take care of urself, the one who can dedicate all her time to serve all ur need..the one who can share all ur happiness and sadness and be ur sunshine and rainbow all d time...may u and her live happily ever after...and may u get the chance to feel how u have made me feel...
Kalau pn xselama mana..smoga awak dpt rasa even sekelumit sakitnya hati ini dilukai sebegini dasyhat..!

Matilah kau..
Bersama cintaku..
Bawa pergi saja dirimu..
Sampai ke dalam lautan...

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hiburan!

A 22y/o chinese male..
Dtg sbb epigastric pain..
Dh gi GP masa pagi..
Given t.omeprazole + t.pantoprazole (???pelik la..knapa nk kena bg 2 ubat from the same group..???)

Dtg sbb still sakit..
Nasib baik comel..
Rajin la aku melayan nye..
Haha

Dia siap tanya,
"awak ni betul2 doktor ke..?"

Aku pn jawab..
"hey..saya dh kerja 2tahun lebih tau.. Knapa lak xpercaya saya doktor..?"

"yeke..?awk nmpak sgt muda...xkan muda2 sudah jd doktor..?
Umur awk brapa..?"

Aku pn jawab la.."eh..saya dh tua la..dh 27 tahun.."

Dia mcm terperanjat
Xpercaya aku ckp..
"oh yeke..saya ingat awk sgt muda..mcm mana mau jd doktor kalau muda2..."

Aku gelak2..

Then dia bole pulak tnya mcm2 soalan kat aku...

Aku kerja kat mana la...
skrg aku dduk kat mana la..
dulu blaja dulu kat mana la...kuantan tu dekat ke dgn ump ke...byk la soalan kpd aku
Haha..
Bole x kalau aku nk perasan..yg dia mcm nk mengorat aku aje sbnrnye..
Haha..
Nasib baik la muka cute..mmg aku layan la..kalau tidak, confirm aku buat muka annoyed..
Haha

P/s: apa kah kaitan nye aku dgn bebudak berusia 22tahun ni smua.. Haisyh la..kalau la tua setahun dua dpd aku,dh aku sahut kmengoratan itu..haha.. :p

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ikhlaskan hati..Lillahi ta'ala

Smlm kerja sorg2..
Cover satu ward..

Ward aku ada 3mo..all girls..
Aku n punitha both r MO IKN..
Iman service MO hospital..

But smlm aku jaga ward sorg2..
Punitha has to attend a course of pain managment
Iman MC..
So i was left alone..

Huuuu.
Kes bertubi2 masuk..
Ada around 14-15new cases sampai rasa muak tgk pt..
Huuu.
Pt mmg xsalah..aku la yg salah sbb rasa muak meng-clerk pt

With all d pending issues remain pending..
Aku sndiri naik pening dgn pt smua nye yg sgt ramai..
Ward full ok!!!

Balik rumah..
Membebel2 pd mama..
Membebel2 pd abah..

"ayu rasa ayu kena buli la abah..MO2 IKN smua kena buli la abah..
Smua nye asyik ktaorg aje kena buat..oncall pn cuma MO ikn yg buat..service MO lgsg xpayah oncall..ari ni ayu cover satu ward sorg...syida cover dua ward sorg!!.. "

And abah respond was simple..
He smiled and said..
" xpela akak..ikhlaskan hati..kerja kerana Allah.. Lillahi ta'alla "

"xbole bah..ayu nk ikhlas pun dh jd xikhlas.."

And abah replied,
"boleh kak..mesti boleh..lillahi ta'ala"

Huuuu..
Ntah la..
Mgkn aku sndiri xcukup kekuatan diri utk ikhlaskan hati bkerja dlm stress sprti smlm..
Ni aku kena tido..
Coz esok nk kena kerja..lagi..

Haisyh..
Cmne la nak ikhlas ni..
:(  :(  :(

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still

i was browsing thru d pics in d whatsapp folder in my fon..

and suddenly i saw a pic of 'dia' yg dihantar oleh 10th batch..
and all those feelings come back..
and all this pain that i feel seem to be real again..

If only i can sleep peacefully tonite..

If only i can totally forget him..for real....

Mungkin kena cari pengganti dia..
Supaya aku dpt lupakan smua sakit dan luka ini.

Ntahla..
Xtau apa lg yg bole aku lakukan..

Doa saja la..
Smoga aku makin kuat..dan tabah..
Smoga aku jumpa lelaki yg lebih baik,berbudi, caring dan mjaga solatnya serta imannya..
Dan yg lebih hensem dpd dia...
Haha :p

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why..?

ok..
setelah berbulan asyik cerita bnda yg aku rasa comel..
tp...
smlm..
first time aku rasa eh..knapa ni..?

apa yg terjadi buat aku terfikir..
there is nothing going on btwn us..
NOTHiNG

i am just a fren..a good fren..a close fren..

hati aku dh cukup pecah berderai utk aku luka kan lg dgn jatuh cinta lg skali..
which is a big NO for me..
aku pikir..kalau aku nk kawen..mgkn kena kawen je dgn mana2 lelaki yg family aku berkenan..walaupn aku xberkenan...

knapa..?
sbb i dont think that i can ever fall in love again..
sbb sakit nye hati ni mmg sebijik mcm apa yg dinyanyikan dlm lagu "hidup-hidup dibakar" (wah!!cam brutal aje kan aku ni..haha)

hidup-hidup dibakar..
sampai bilakah,bila..
hidup terus sengsara...
kau patuk kan bisa di mata
ketuk pahat di dada..

ok..
xde kaitan lgsg dgn benda yg aku nk crita kan ni..

i was texting with my girl fren yg comel lote, princess biha..
talking about life..and also he was included..
talking about a pic of him that she saw previously..she said it was a good pic..sbb dia nmpak ensem..
sbb my dear biha xingat pic tu ada kat fb ke atau insta..aku as usual la..
tanya je la directly..

after dia bgtau kat mana..
dia tanya aku..siapa yg tanya pasal pic tu..
aku jawab je la,main2 kot..burung2..

he asked againn
and again i anwered, burung2 yg berkicauan kat klinik tu..

then he asked lagi..
aku jawab,  magik...

then he suddenly marah..
he really snapped!!
ntah knapa..
dia tiba2 ckp, this thing makes me irritated...

i just said..opss..sorry.sorry..

and dia jawab,
no need explaination, wada
no need to say sorry.....

and i was like???????

and dia mula ckp yg his ex used to do benda yg sama...

but..
on my side..
what did i do wrong..?
and..
knapa perlu nak compare kan aku dgn ex-gf..?
coz i am not even his GF!!!

errrghhh!
geram..
sbb tiba2 kena coz aku buat lawak aje..
jawab burung2 yg berkicauan pn aku kena..

mmg lepas tu he quickly apologize..

mmg cepat he said sorry..

tp aku still confused and puzzled knapa dia tiba2 marah smpai cmtu..?
dah la aku baik..kena bash tiba2 cmtu..
haisyh!!..

dont worry.
i wont fall for u...
coz i dont hv any heart left to love another guy other than the one yg dh shattered and battered kan my heart...

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i used to dream of these..

masa zaman medical student..
slalu imagine..
and plan dlm kpala otak yg xbrapa geliga ini..

umur 25- grad n start housemanship
umur 26-kawen dgn lelaki idaman hati..
umur 27-dpt 1st baby and dah start MO-ship
umur 28-planning nak beli umah
umur 29- second child
umur 30-preparation nak sambung master
umur 31-start master program
umur 34-35-jadi registrar
and that was my 10year planning post mbbs..

tapi..
as all of us know..
stakat ni..planning nye cuma dpt achieve pd usia 25tahun..
and no further progress sampai la saat dan detik ini...

hmmm.
sesungguhnya, perancangan Allah utk aku yg lemah ini pastinya lebih baik dpd apa ygaku impikan..
harus  ada keyakinan..
harus terus percaya....

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soalan dak nina,staff nurse kat ward RT 4ab

cerita ni kisah aritu..
tapi baru sekarang sempat nk tulis...

knapa nak tulis..?
sbb suka nk tulis..
haha..

disebabkan i am working in HKL attachment radiotherapy n onco..
saya sekarang working in ward RT 4a..

staff nurses ward ni smua baik2..
sempoi2 belaka..
n helpfull..
so far,all is well..
haha..

citer nye cenggini..
ada la sorg SN (staff nurse) ward ni, budak baru, muda lg..
comel n soo funny
call her nina..
slalu la gelak2 dgn dak nina ni..

so one day..
she asked me..
"doktor...doktor xsuka ke doktor so-and-so tu..? he is soooo sweet la.."
aku gelak2 je..
and jawab la, "xsuka la..saya xsuka sgt lelaki yg soft spoken ni..saya suka yg ganas..haha.. bukan la ganas mcm penjahat tu..tp nk yg macho la..cam lelaki gitu.."

she laughed and said, "eh doktor ni.ada ke nk yg ganas..?pelik la..
tp kan..doktor so-and-so tu sweet la..soft spoken..putih..specky lak tu"

(dlm ati,eh cam ciri2 lelaki yg dh buat hati aku broken into trillion pieces je tu!!)

so i answered,
"xmau la..saya xsuka lelaki putih..specky...saya suka yg gelap dan macho.."

hahaha..
cam jawapan budak umur 15tahun je kan aku..
haha..

dak nina tu then amik fon dia n scroll inside the image gallery..
dia tunjuk la 2keping gamba lelaki..

sambil senyum2..
dia tunjuk n said,
"kalau cam ni..ensem kan..?gelap jugak..hihihi"

i looked and terus je jawab,
"hmm.ntah la..pada saya xensem..
haha"

dia sengih2 and ckp "ala..ensem la dia ni doktor..abes tu..kalau yg ensem org yg mcm mana doktor suka..?"

aku gelak2..
then terfikir..
hah, nk tunjuk la pic org yg aku rasa ensem yg byk dlm fon aku ni..

"haha..jap eh.."
aku kluarkan fon yg usang ni..
scroll dlm image whatsapp..
then tunjuk kat dak nina..

"hah, saya rasa kalau gelap camni la ensem.." :p

she looked at d pics..
"eh,doktor..ensem nye. ensem nye.. dia siapa? mana doktor kenal dia..?"

hahaha..
aku gelak2 je..

"ensem la dia doktor..mst ada pape ni kan..?
i answered,  "no..dia muda sgt la syg oi..baya nina.."

then she puzzledly asked me,
"eh..kalau cmtu..knapa doktor ada byk gamba dia ni..? doktor stalk dia eh..?"

aku gelak lagi..
xkuasa la aku yg dh tua ni nk stalk org kan..

"dia yg anta gamba pd saya.."

nina lagi btambah confuse..itu la yg dpt aku baca dpd riak muka dia..

"eh..knapa dia anta gamba dia pd doktor kalau doktor xde pape dgn dia...."

i smiled..shrugged my shoulders..
and walked away from nina..

dia sempat lg ckp,
"naughty tau doktor ni.."

haha..
apa la yg aku bole buat..
dh dia rajin nk send pic to me..
kta xkisah je..kta send pic mknn aje pd dia..
haha..coz i like to eat!!
:p

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my current food obsession

waffle!!
yg superbly delicious..
stiap ptg mst rasa nak makan..
selera besar..duit pun kena la besar..ngahaha..
maksudnye kena rajin locum la utk menampung kos sara hidup yg tinggi kat sini..
haha..
sepatutnya kena kawal makan supaya bole kurus..
tp...
tp.....
tp........
saya mmg suka makan..
ngehehe..
sedap tau waffle kat sini..
mmg bole termimpi2 keenakannya ;)

waffle stop at alamanda putrajaya..
sedap!!
especially utk.org yg suka makan waffle yg gebu lembut panas2 with ice cream..
wahhhh..
nyummy!

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syomel kn

haisyh
saya asyik terkenang kecomelan org
parah parah..

aritu time locum..
he remembered that i had my locum that day..
walaupn i told him a week earlier..
mula2 ingat nk pass kn kertas locum tu pd biha.comel..
tp dsebabkan dia dgn baik atinye nk tlg antakan (plus teman aku makan bfor aku balik ptrajaya)
haha..

then when i am at home..
he ajak to join laser war sumting la kat puchong..
luckily dia xjd dtg ke mari..kalau x..sure aku pegi keluar join the laser war punya..
haha..
sengal sungguh aku!!

and today..
as what he likes to do la..
he is working in fever center and send me pic kerja dia di sana..
haha..

thanks la ya sbb bagi kta terhibur slalu.

thanks a lot for all ur kecomelan..

haisyh..
once u already hv a girlfren, sape la pulak nk hiburkan kta dgn kecomelan sebegitu...

haha

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saya terfikir

kadang2 susah jadi anak sulung..
especially anak sulung kepada smua adik beradik perempuan..
and more specifically..
at my age and having no calon at all..

my sis has been having her calon.
at has been planning to get married dpd aritu..byk bnda yg menghalang..
and i feel like i am the main reason la..

hmm.
kadang terasa mcm jadi penghalang hubungan mereka..
yelah..
kakak sulung still tak kawen..
akan jadi buah mulut smua org especially keluarga sndiri..
tp..
apa lagi yg bole saya lakukan..
saya betul2 dah patah hati pd lelaki..
sgt patah hati..

mmg org ckp..doa dan terus berdoa..
if only they know how much i have been berdoa all this while..

tapi..
saya juga manusia yg punya hati..
dan bila hati saya telah hancur luluh..mmg saya tak nafikan..saya terus berdoa..
tp saya dpt rasakan sudah tiada harapan.
dan perasaan berputus asa mmg dh hinggap dlm jiwa ni..
benar..

jodoh ptemuan dlm tangan Allah..

tp..
saya dh tak larat menangis sndirian mengenangkan nasib saya.
i am not ungrateful..
saya sgt bersyukur dgn smua nya yg berlaku dlm hidup saya..

tp..
terus terang saya katakan..
saya dh patah hati..
putus asa....

org xkan mungkin faham apa yg saya rasa..
no body can and no bdy will..

tp..
itulah yg saya rasa..

tak semestinya saya selalu tersenyum bermakna saya xkisah..
saya kisah..
tp dah tak larat nk kisah..
dh putus asa..
dah patah hati...

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jadual oncall yg horr..

i know i shouldnt complain
apalah sgt oncall 2 kali sebulan..
but..
it is soooo unfair if those oncalls are those from other "hosp" instead of the doctors of the hosp that i am currently in..
though i have voice out about this..
but..what to do..
terima dgn redha aje la..
dah la my oncalls are on weekend..
huu

ikhlaskan diri kerja..
ikhlaskan diri :(

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separuh arini..

bangun pagi ni.
mandi2  then keluar breakfast dgn d whole family..ija je yg xde coz she is in kuantan..
sian ija..
mula ingat nk mkn kat kedai2 uniten tu..tp belum bukak..
so..
pegi la makan kat roti canai bukit..
hehe..

then.
ajak mama abah gi pesta konvo upm..
best jenjalan kat situ..
xbeli pape sgt pun..
baby beli tudung2 adijuma yg murah di situ..haha 
abah lak beli pokok limau..
me..?beli air aje la sbb haussss jenjalan di tgh panas..

so abis jenjalan..
balik umah...
rehat2 and now. nak ajak adik n baby kluar g d mines tgk fon n kasut..
hehe

p/s..tu je la pics yg kta amik..sbb jakun tgk ayam and sbb saya suka rabbit..hehehe

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kisah seram di siang hari

ni kisah ari jumaat 25/10/2013

i was working in my ward..
ward onco di HKL..
it is in d morning..pukul 9pagi..
selepas abis morning round..
saya pun dduk utk siap kan smua perihal discharge patients saya..

saya baru lepas chop2 all d new blood results of d patients..
and i started writing my discharge summary..
so selepas siap my discharge summary, i wanted to sign it..
cari2 chop tp xjmpa..
tanya akak staff nurse yg kebetulan dpd td dduk sebelah saya..she also cant find it..
so i ask d other MO in my ward,punitha 
she also cant find it..

huu.
maka kami bertiga mncari2 di kaunter tu..
ke mana pulak ilang chop tu..sbb saya tak bgn lgsg dpd krusi tu dpd td..

huuuu.
then i go and find my bag..and suprisingly..chop saya dlm tu..
huu.
cmne bole ada dlm bag kalau dpd td lepas chop2 all d lab results,saya mmg dduk.je kat krusi tu xpegi mana2..

akak staff nurse tu ckp,
"doktor..kat sini mmg 'ada' yg suka gurau2..suka sorok2 barang.."
and the ward sister also ckp.bnda yang sama..
and kebetulan..pagi tu..mmg j found a new pen (pen biasa je la..yg seringgit lebih tu)  yg masih ada tag harga,yg bukan milik saya inside my bag..
at first i thought,
"eh..bila masa aku curi pen org ni..?"
and i took out d pen n put it on d desk..
tetiba chop saya yg ilang tiba2..berada dlm my bag pulak...

'benda' tu suka bag saya ke..? :p

and..  d same story happen to MO ward sebelah..
hari yg sama..
around pukul 11..
dia tgh ikut specialist round..from one patient to another 
mula2 dia dh guna her chop on one patient's folder..
so as d speciaist go and see anothe patient,she also follow..bila dia nk guna chop dia...xjumpa..
dia cari2 d whole ward together with another MO and staff nurse..

and guess what..
at last dia jumpa chop dia kat kaunter meja ward saya..

hmmm.
main sorok2 chop nmpak nye 'benda' tu..
huuu

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the same dream..again

lately..
saya sering dihantui mimpi yg sama..
mmg benar..
mimpi hanya mainan tido..
tp..
kalau asyik dpt mimpi yg sama..
penat la jiwa raga..

oh ya..
i havent been thinking of him lately.
mmg dh xingat dh..
cuma when his name pop-up bila dia respond kat whatsapp ten batch iium je

tp asyik aje termimpi kan dia..

and mimpi nye..
seperti biasa..
dia kawen..
tp each n everytime..
dia akan kawen dgn org yg berbeza..
but for sure..d bride mmg cantik...

mmg dh xamik pusing dh..
biar la..
kalau dia nk.kawen..
let him kawen..
mgkn itu jodoh dia..
tp..
bila ari2 mimpi yg sama..
kdg2 tertanya2..
knapa saya asyik.mimpi dia padahal saya xpikir kn dia lgsg dh..
petunjuk ke..?
so that ill be prepared..?
tak kot..

ntah la..
i really as accept the fact that he think of me as a friend.
and of course la he has no guts to say so..
biar la..

and i havent been a stupid girl calling and messaging and calling him each and everytime like i use to..

i think i am accepting it.

so kepada kamu..
tahniah kalau kamu nk kawen.
smoga kamu bahagia.

p/s: rakan2 10th batch..i dont have anyting to do with him..dia xsuka kita lgsg la..kta mntak sgt2 plz jgn kaitkan kta dgn dia lagi..yes,i used to like him before this tapi kalau org dh tak suka,what can i do..? so pleasa pleasa please..stop mentioning and relating me to him..
kta mntak sgt2 :(

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bukan sengaja..

yesterday
i went to mlaka
do locum..
give my previous locum claim..
and went back..

why i didnt tell my other frenz  ?
coz saya dah lgsg xde duit..
huuu
bukan sengaja balik mlaka xbgtau..
no..
plus.
sebelum ni i have janji to buy cake for them all..
but  ....

i truely really dah xde duit..
and why is that..?
coz i am working in KL with the duit minyak RM50 for 2days...
tokey emas pun bole botak kpala..
apatah lagi aku yg biasa ini...

itu xmasuk lg duit tol which cost me around rm3 per day..

let me do the maths..

sebulan ada 30hari..
tolak 4minggu punya sabtu ahad..
30-(2x4)=22

so..
22hari..
duit minyak nye ialah rm 550
duit tol nye ialah r66..

huuuu..
sblm ni duit mnyak masa kerja kat mlaka seminggu rm50..
skrg..?
berganda2...

abd i truely kekopakan becoz of that..

to my dearest frenz  
i am sooooo truely sorry..
i am.
i really do..

segan la to say MO has to do locum just for duit mnyak utk kerja sebetul nya...
tp...
that is what happening to me..

maaf sgt..

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arini birthday Ija.. ;)

today
23/10..
birthday of my 3rd sis..

we r all four girls in the Adam's family..
i am d first thus i am the,ehem, youngest of them all..
haha

and ija is the one a bit older than me..

hahaha..
ija tua dpd kakyu 4thn.kan..? :p

she is the most 'perempuan melayu terakhir' among d four of us..
sbb dia sgt la sopan dan baik dan sgt la islamik..
hihi..
dia x gelak2 kuat2 cam,ehem, kakak2 dia..
dia xberpeleseran mahupun berpacaran mcm,ehem, kakak2 dia..
eh jap..kakyu takde pacar so..kakyu not included dlm category ni :p
dia rajin join usrah n ceramah n slalu mengaji..xmacam,ehem..kakak2 dia..

haisyh..
byknye la kekurangan kakak2 dia ni :p

anyway..
happy birthday ija..
smoga pjg umur.murah rezeki
smoga ija lulus smua pperiksaan2 ija n smoga ija jadi doktor yg baik
utk smua patient ija nanti..
smoga ija jmpa lelaki ensem yg beriman dan beramal soleh lantas bole dijadikan suami utk kakyu..oppss.silap..utk ija..
hehehehe

thanks a lot ija slalu blanja kakyu makan
thanks a lot juga for being urself
at least ada la anak mama abah yg sopan dan beradab mulia dan solehah..

kalau nk harap akak yg sengal ni..mmg tidak ler..mata asyik melilau tengok lelaki ensem..camne la nk jd solehah...hehehe

Happy Birthday.
love u always :*

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takde hati nak kerja

setiap ari
mmg asyik drag je diri utk gi kerja
bangun pagi kena paksa diri
nak gi kerja lagi la kena betul2 paksa diri..
xde hati lgsg nk kerja..
lgsg xde hati..

bila ckp pd mama..
pd adik...
mama ngan adik xpahamm

jawapan mama..
"kerja je kak...dah diberi awak kerja tu...kerja je la..."
kdg2 tu..
"bukan diaorg mntak penyakot kanser tu..akak kerja aje la.."

huuuu.
but what they dont understand is...
i have no passion at all upon my job..
i dont like onco..at all..

i dont like meeting the same patient each and everytime..and knowing how unfortunate the future will be for them,despite d treatment given..
i dont like onco
i really dont like onco..
it is not becoz of d patients..
no...
but..i have no interest at all in oncology..
nothing..
and smua org xpaham tu...
people may think that i am picky and choosy and plz add on my ungratefulness together with my asyik2 nk complaint itu ini..

it is not that..
it is just i dont feel happy working now..
it almost come to the point where i am starting to hate my job..
i dont know why..
rasa nye sbb saya lgsg xde passion dlm melaksanakan tugas2 saya..jd smua kerja yg saya lakukan adalah di dalam.keterpaksaan...

and me being.myself..
i hate being forced 
and i hate myself sbb memaksa diri buat kerja yg lgsg saya xsuka..

i dont hv any interest in my current posting..
i have no passion for onco..
and i really hate myself for that..

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day by day
kena mula terima yg saya dh kerja di KL..
day by day..
seronok sbb dduk ngan family..
but i do miss all my frenz..a lot!!

ari ahad aritu..
baru la sempat jenjalan sikit kat ptrajaya ni..
best!
rasa cam org kaya pulak..
hohoho (nada gelak org kaya)

so..
ni la gamba nye..
ada gamba dakdik je sorg..
sbb dia je yg suka nk amik gamba..
haha

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HB

smlm was Friday
and as usual..
friday means balik umah akan amik masa lebih 3jam..
coz traffic jammmmm yg sgt horror..
so smlm sampai umah dh lewat..
then klua makan with mama n adik2..
balik umah dh dkat pukul 11..
i was waiting for 12midnite to strike d clock..
tp..tertido sbb ngantok n penat sgt..

around 1145pm terjaga sbb alarm berbunyi..
tp sbb ngantok sgt.i just turn off d alarm n sambung tido smula..

oh.
bila bangun pagi..
terus teringat..
alamak..
arini 19th oct..
patut la alarm bnyi kul 1145pm smlm..
reminder rupanye..
opppss.

sorry.
bukan sengaja kta xwish awal..

happy birthday to d one yg bday nye today..
thanks sbb slalu jd tmpat kta membebel2..
thanks sbb slalu temankan kta..
thanks sbb slalu wat kta rasa happy di kala kta sedih yg teramat..

may u get all that u want in this life
may u get all d happiness in d world
smoga cepat2 kaya n bole slalu blanja kta mkan..
haha.

and paling penting..
smoga stay macho n gentleman as u r now..
haha.

p/s.: rasa bersalah lak sbb dh byk kali he subtlely remind of d date..stiap kali nmpak nmber 19 or yg berkaitan ngan 1-9.. what to do..kta kan mmg slalu ngantok :p

p/s 2: bila dh wish happy birthday..dia tnya..balik mlaka x..?
opss..sorry.kta xde duit la nk balik mlaka slalu2 sgt..haha

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plz stop this stupidity!!

it was someone's that we know punya wedding..
i was with a friend that he doesnt know..
he came with amin..
and we all sat at the same table..
mula2 mmg aku xperasan kan dia..
then he came to me..
try to talk to me..as what he
used to do..

aku bangun..pergi amik.mknn..tinggalkan dia terpinga2..
tp dia xputus asa..
he walked towards me...
and buat gaya selamba..
and talk and talk and talk..
i just cant ignore him.
aku pun termakan umpan..
mula2 ingatkan nk biarkan aje dia ckp sorg2..biar dia nmpak cm org giler...
but i just couldnt..
all my heart is with him..and he was there standing in front of me...
and we talk and laugh and talk somemore..
and he treated me so nicely..
sampai cair smula hati aku yg  keras cam batu ni...
and suddenly i woke up..
and all that was left is me and my heartache

. ..

how do u fix a broken heart..?
even a doctor cant treat her own heartache..
and all i feel is this heaviness and loneliness..
and its all coming back to me..

"tinggal aku terjatuh..
terseksa batinku..sudah tak sempurna.."

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a letter "C"

for me..
a small gesture means a lot..
and it is something that make me feel that my life is blessed..

benda ni mmg remeh.
but i feel so happy so i would like to write it down..
kalau rasa sgt merepek..xpayah baca ek. ngehehe..

my MCE 3399 baru je di-makeup kan a few weeks ago.
pasang bumper n spoiler..
plat nmber n casing baru..
and mmg dia ensem..
ehem..
even sang anak ikan pn ckp my MCE looks much better slps di-makeup kan..
haha..
bangga tau..

ok..
citer nye begini..
after few days...
plat nmber kat bahagian dpn krera ku itu..
kehilangan hurup "C" nye..
jd plat nmber nye ialah M_E 3399
and it has been for a week plus macam tu..sbb saya bz and asyik je byk bnda nk kena wat..xsempat lgsg nk g wat plat baru...
kalau polis tahan..tawakal aje la yg mampu ku lakukan..
haha

so..
td masa balik kerja..
disebabkan parking kat HKL sgt besar..
aku pn mencari2 la sang forte berplat M_E 3399
tp yg aku jmpa..
forte berplat MCE 3399.

eh..?
sjak bila ada smula urup "C" itu...?
tp aku terlompat gembira masa tu
ni mst abah yg betulkan ni..
sambil tersenyum...

sampai kat umah..
dh lewat ptg.masa abah nk g surau solat magrib..
aku pn tnya pd abah..
"abah..abah yg betulkan plat number ayu eh..?bila..?abah xckp pun.."
abah answered, "ha'ah. ari isnin aritu.."
he smiled..
and i also smiled.."thank u abah"

dh a few days baru aku perasan..
and dh a few days baru aku ucap trima kasih pd abah..

nmpak sgt ikhlas nya kasih syg seorg ayah..
mgkn nmpak kecik pd org lain..
but for me..rasa sgt bersyukur..
i didnt ask abah to fix the plat for me but he willingly do so..and he didnt tell me pun..
he didnt expect anything..not even a thanks..
coz he did that becoz of love..

thanks a lot abah..
i love u :)

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so typical!!

aku dpd kecik mmg asyik sakit ati dgn abg sepupu aku ni sorg!!
stiap kali jmpa..mst akan ada bnda yg dia ckp yg buat aku rasa sakit ati...

maybe sbb dia lelaki melayu yg dibesarkan dlm keadaan lelaki akan diserve sprti raja..
mgkn sbb dia dbesarkan dlm keadaan prempuan perlu layan lelaki...yg kedudukan prempuan cuma utk dduk di dapur!!

dulu aku pernah sakit ati giler dgn kata2 dia smpai aku boikot balik kg slama dkat stengah tahun...

kali ni
after years aku xjumpa dia (aku akan mengelak sedaya upaya utk jmpa dia) aku ingat dia dh berubah..
yela..
dh kawen..
anak nye dh besar2 kot..
yg sulung dh g.skolah dh pn..
tp.......
perangai dia tetap sama!!

kisah nye..
aku tgh basuh pinggan kat dapur makcik aku..
dia yg mula2 aku perasan..tgh dduk kat meja makan..tunggu adik aku prepare nk hidangkan sup gear box daging qorban...
so..
aku wat je kerja aku kat dapur..
then dia masuk dapur...
menghala ke sinki..
aku pun tanya dgn baik..
"nak basuh tgn eh..?"
tau x apa dia jawab..??

dgn nada sinis nye..
"takla..nak amik sudu..takkan la nak mkn sup guna tangan"

and dia ulang 2-3kali "huh..xkan la makan sup guna tangan.."

aku mcm....what??
bole je kan ko jawab elok2...nak amik sudu..fullstop..
knapa nk sinis2 bagai..?
xkan la aku nk serve ko bagai raja kot..
xkan la sudu pn xreti nk amik..
knapa..?
ko ckp cmtu sbb aku xletak sudu kat tmpat mkn ko la kan..
so what..?
at least aku dh hidangkan mknn dpn mata ko..
sudu tertinggal nk letak..apa salah nye ko amik..
kalau pn xmau amik,bole kan ckp elok2...
"ayu...ni xde sudu..TOLONG amikkn boleh.."
kan elok ckp cmtu..
ni tak..
nada mst mau sinis..
senyum pn nmpak sgt xikhlas...

tp..
do i care..?

p/s: tolong bgtau cmne la aku nk trust lelaki kalau most lelaki yg aku kenal mmg perangai cmni..?smua nk dilayan cm raja..and aku kena jd hamba dia ke..?

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saya dituduh!!

arini..kat whatsapp group 10th  batch..
mereka duk bincang pasal bz nye kerja di ed..
according to them,ada MA pn xmembantu..
aku yg dpd ed hosp mlaka ni..yg MA nye smua cekap2 dan rajin2,  mula la bersuara..
aku bgtau la..xsemua MA xbest..sbb MA kat ed hosp mlaka smua nye best2..
nak tau apa reaksi bebudak ni..?
jap aku copy n paste..

1) Wada ade special interest. Haha

2)wada <3 MA ?

3)happy benor wada dgn MA..

dh malas nk copy paste..penat!!
aiyoo bebudak ni..
sejak bila la aku ada scandal dgn MA..?
aku just nk bgtau..MA kat hosp mlaka best..tu je..
suka2 je nk wat spekulasi kat aku..
aku tau la aku ni xde org nak..yela..aku ni sape je..org biasa..xdeharta.xdenama.xderupa.xdeharta..

oh..tp for korg pnye pengetahuan..
kawan korg la yg dh buat kita brokn hearted..
and thanks to kawan korg yg hebat tu, sbb dh berjaya wat kta begini..
thanks a lot!!
standing ovation for him!!!!!

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walaupun saya MO..

tajuk mcm berlagak kan..? :p

apasal la nk wat tajuk cmtu..
haisyh..
yela..
walaupun saya seorg MO..
still..bila ada org demam n tanya whatelse can he do..i just cant answer...
hmmm.

ke sbb aku ni yg cam MO sengal..so aku xtau nk ckp apa lagi..

haha..

FBC rslt ok..
aku rasa just a viral fever picture la..

tp...
haisyh la..
apa lagi yg aku bole buat..
dh la aku kat ptrajaya ni..
kalau kat mlaka,aku bole je bagi MC..
haha.
nampak tak betapa best nye jd MO ni..?bole bg MC pd pt..mana2 pt yg aku suka...
haha
lalalala..

citer nye cam ni..
aku balik dpd mlaka smlm ptg..
aku mmg bz masa kat green wat locum smlm tu..
aku cuma terserempak masa dia nk masuk yellow zone n kebetulan aku nk panggil pt..

aku siap buat2 muka kat dpn microfon tu sbb rasa penat pt sgt ramai..
and as usual he will just laugh at me..
oh ya..
ada patient perasan yg aku duk buat2 muka and pt tu siap menoleh carik aku wat2 muka pd siapa..
haha..
mst dlm ati pt tu berkata, "ish doktor ni..senget ke apa..main2 mata dgn budak muda lak dia..ish ish ish..xsedar diri agak nye doktor ni..budak tu dh la muda..ensem lak tu..sesuka ati je doktor ni..."

sbb berdasarkan rupa pt tu setelah menoleh dan ternampak yg he was laughing at me seeing me there..aku rasa patient tu (perempuan) mst rasa annoyed tgk aku..
haha..

suka ati aku la kan..

then itu je la yg sempat aku hiburkan ati aku yg lara..

bz tgk pt
bz
bz
bz..

sampai shift dia abis..
aku dh xnmpak dia lg..

slalu bfor balik umah,dia akan dtg say gudbye to me..
tp kali ni...
lgsg xde..
aku pun "sob sob" la dlm ati..
uhu..mentang2 la aku dh jd MO tmpat lain..sombong dh skrg dia ek..

then i received his msg.
'balik pukul brapa..?
cari td xjumpa pn..
pegi bilik u xnmpk pn..'

haha
clarify sikit..
bilik tu ialah bilik doktor ya..
bukan bilik tido..
hahahaha

oh..rupanya dia ada dtg cari aku..
aku yg xde.
cit.dtg masa aku gi cari result darah pt yg pending dpd pagi...
mmg la xsesuai timing mamat ni sorg...

huuu.
apa kaitan ntah citer ni ngan tajuk post ni..?

haha.
aku pun dh kompius....

xkisah la...
memandangkan eye candy anne ialah bapak ikan..
aku punya eyecandy ialah anak ikan..
haha..
kami berdua mmg suka keturunan ikan :p

p/s: nnt kalau dh ingat apa kaitan tajuk ntry ni dgn crite yg aku nk sampai kan..aku wat entry baru ek...
haha

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tapi hati siapa..?

terjumpa pic ni kat fb..
persoalannya ialah....

hati siapa yg harus ku minta...?

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haisyh..

haisyh je la yg aku bole ckp..
knapa..?
ntah la..
kadang tu aku terasa dia sgt la comel...
tp..xkan la aku nk slalu bharap pada kecomelan dia tu utk aku happy kan.?

tp..
ntahla..
kadang2 tu aku rasa aku perlu kan dos kecomelan dia supaya aku bhenti dpd asyik menangiskan bnda yg tiada...

sampai skrg pun..
kalau aku trapped in traffic jam..
kalau aku xmesej dia..confirm aku bole menangis spjg perjalanan sbb duk ingatkan all my wasted years..

aku xpernah sengaja2 pikirkan.kisah silam tu..
sbb mmg xde guna pn nak pikirkan org yg xpernah kisah kan aku..
tp...
bila aku sendirian terlalu lama e.g. trapped in d traffic jam yg mcm hampeh tu, secara xsengaja nye my lacrimal ducts dgn active nye menghasilkan airmata yg deras..
haha..
mcm ujan lebat dlm.kreta gitu :p

ok.
lupakan kisah sedih

pikirkan kisah comel..
haisyh..

slama ni..
ari2 aku akan duk berwhatsapp dgn dia..
then smlm..
ntah knapa..
aku lgsg xcntct dia..
pukul 10mlm aku dh masuk tido..
rupa2nye..
at 140 he wishes me gudnite...
disebabkan saya tido xhengat dunia..mmg lgsg xreply smpai ke esok pagi...

so i just rply..
morning......

and he said
morning wada...
diam aje...huhu..

.
.
.
...cengkerik cengkerik je la jawapan aku...
hmmm.
ntah la..
aku pikir..kalau ari2 asyik msg dia.takut aku ter-build up perasaan suka kat dia..
and for me..cukup la skali hati ku ni remuk pecah berderai jd trillion pieces...
so aku xmau dh...

tp..at d same time..xsalah kan berkawan..?
and knapa aku nk kurangkan dose kehappy-an aku semata2 sbb aku takut..?

hmmm.
ntah la..
yg pasfi..
he is soooo comel and i think i cant get enough of his kecomelan..
haha

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saya bersalah..

saya keluar kerja arini lewat..
malas nak bangun pagi..lewat 5minit je sbnrnye..tp it makes a big difference..
masuk dlm kreta..tgk mnyak tinggal 2calit..haisyh..
kena la isi mnyak lagi...

mnyak dh mcm air je kalau kerja kat kl ni..
2ari rm 50...siapa bole tahan..? :(

so..saya pn memecut..gi isi mnyk kat petronas yg ada masa kat highway..

then suddenly dtg sorg pakcik..
around 60+ years old..
dtg nak jual airfreshner pd aku..
huu.
dgn baiknya aku menolak..
"xpe pakcik..saya xnak..trima kasih.."
dia pandang aku..
sambil keluarkan airfreshner lain dpd beg kertas nye..
aku pandang..sambil ulang ayat yg sama..

pakcik tu beredar..pergi ke kereta yg lain..
aku pn isi la mnyak..
huuu.
then..
seseorg tegur aku dpd blakang..
rupa2nye pakcik tu..
aku xpaham apa yg dia ckp but he is saying sumting to me..in a very low tone..sambil menunjuk2 sepeket airfreshner pd aku..
aku geleng2 pd nya..sambil ulang, "xpe pakcik..trima kasih.."
dan dia merenung aku..
aku hanya mampu senyum.hambar...

dia beredar..
aku naik kreta lalu pergi meninggalkan petronas tu..

spjg perjalanan..
aku terkenang2 kan pakcik tu..
wajah sedihnya..
aku tertanya2..di kala usia nya yg dh tua..knapa dia perlu bkerja seperti tu..?
menjual di kala pagi masih gelap..
jam di kereta menunjukkan 650am..

di mana anak2nya..?
knapa dibiarkan ayahnya idup susah sprti itu..?
oh..atau kah pakcik tu sebatang kara..?
tiada istri,anak mahupun sedara mara..
dia menjual utk mencari duit utk.sesuap nasi...

sedih sgt..
aku terasa sgt xberdaya sbb aku menidakkan permintaan pakcik tu..maafkan saya pakcik..
duit saya cuma rm50 di.kala itu..
utk isi mhyk dan duit tol..
maafkan saya pakcik..
saya cuma mampu doakan kesihatan pakcik..smoga pakcik sihatselalu..smoga pakcik dmurahkan rezeki...
dan..
smoga pakcik maafkan saya sbb saya dgn bodohnya tidak membantu pakcik..
maafkan saya pakcik :(

p/s: saya tulis benda ni smlm..tp ntah kenapa dpd smlm xdpt upload..haisyh

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kisah locum

saya kan ckp saya nak try jinak2 dgn dunia locum..
ngehehe.
supaya dpt la income kan..
yela..idup kat HKL mmg mengopakkan poket..
2ari minyak je dh rm50..
haha..maksudnye kna kawen ngan org kaya ke..?
tapi..mana la ada org kaya yg nak kan aku..
org kayap pun xmau..ni pulak org kaya..
haha..
so..
aku pun gigih la me-locum kan diri..

dan rezeki dtg dpd Allah..
walaupn aku dh xde kat sepital mlaka...tetiba..jadual locum tu ada nana..
walaupn ada a few MOs senior kat ED hosp mlaka ada tanya kat aku if aku nk bg slot locum tu pd mreka..
aku tetap say xmau.haha..
aku gigih nk dtg dpd putrajay ke mlaka semata2 satu slot locum...

knapa..?
1) sbb itu kn rezeki dpd Allah..aku dh xde kat hospital melaka tu dah seminggu lebih tp nama aku tup tup ada dalam jadual locum..haha..maksudnye Allah pnya ketentuan tu ;)

2)anne dpd aritu ajak aku bjimba2 sbb kami dh terpisah seminggu lebih..last week aku balik mlaka pn xsempat nk jmpa anne..dia bz..aku pn bz..so..hopefully dis week dpt bergmbira bsama2..hooray!! ;)

3) ehem..sbb..sbb...sbb..nak jmpa budak2 kesayangans tu la..geng mak jemahs uolls.. :p
4) and i just know that anak ikan nan seorg itu kerja pagi jugak esok..yeay!! haha :p

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kisah di ward onco HKL - 1

lama dah xmenulis pasal patient..
ntah knapa arini terasa terpanggil nak tulis pasal sorg pt kat ward RT4a..ward yg aku jaga stakat ni kat HKL..

22y/o.malay guy..
diagnosis: right tibia osteosarcoma..

dia masuk ward for 4th cycle of neoadjuvant chemo,while waiting for his op date...
dia senyum aje stiap masa..
bila ditanya,lgsg xada apa2 masalah..
xde sakit mana2.makan minum smua pun berselera..
membuat kan ati aku terasa sayu..
ya Allah..betapa aku slama ni sgt mensia2kan nikmatMu padaku..
aku sihat..lgsg xde pape penyakit.bole bekerja dgn elok..tp aku yg slalu mengeluh..
sedangkan budak ni..umur baru 22thn..
dah diuji dgn kanser tulang yg sebegitu..
ketumbuhan di bawah lutut kanan nye itu sgt besar.around 15x20cm..
but still, he doesnt complaint of anything..
his operation will not be an easy one i assume..as the tumour is big..and i am afraid that he might lose his right leg due to that..
but still,he smiles each time i come to review him..
mmg budak ni sgt redha dgn ketentuan Illahi..
tambah menyebabkan aku sayu..
dia anak sulung dpd 8adik beradik..
dan rumah nya di jerantut,pahang..
dia dtg ke HKL stiap kali hanya dgn menaiki bas..
and he walks by himself dpd pekeliling ke HKL...
betapa kagumnya aku dgn semangat juang budak ni..

seorg lelaki bernama mohamad syafiq
yg sgt tabah..dan membuat aku sgt tersentuh dgn ketabahan nya ;)

sesungguhnya, aku yg slalu alpa dgn nikmat2 dpd Illahi..

dan..doakan adik yg tabah ni selamat..
selamat dlm perjuangan menjalani kehidupan nya yg masih panjang..
insyaAllah :)

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ari ke-5 di HKL

working in HKL arini ialah hari ke 5..
what do i feel..?
dont know..sbb rasa blur je spjg masa..
serabut tu mmg xpayah ckpla..
masuk kerja kul 8 tp seawal 6pg dh gerak..
smpai sepital kolumpur ni around 715-720..but...another problem is to find a vacant parking lot..
uwaaa..
terpaksa la park kan my car di tepian jalan..huu

how about work..?
ok la..but i have no passion twrd oncology..so..tpaksa la menebalkn muka dan membuat nya dgn rela..

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budak2 kesayangan pegi melancong

ntah knapa aku xmau lgsg update pasal.tempat kerja baru..
apa jadi.
aku dduk mana skrg..
smua bnda bkaitan kerja lgsg xbuat aku happy..
so aku xnk amik tau..

aku nk upload gamba budak2 ksygn aku gi melancong..
haha..
siapa..?
biha.sureen.taufiq.adda..
budak2 PPW yg best kat hosp mlaka..
haha.
knapa aku nk upload pic diaorg..?

ini crita nye...

diaorg ni la penghibur aku masa aku kat mlaka..
diaorg (+my other friends, doktor2 di hosp mlaka- mijah.anne.idayu.mas) la yg menggembirakan aku di kala aku at my lowest point in my life..
di kala realiti dtg mengetuk dan aku akhirnya tahu yg aku dan 'dia' cuma kawan biasa..
betapa remuk nya hati aku..

nasib la ada diaorg..
at least xde la aku lakukan kerja giler luar tabii..
haha..
so..
arini..
diaorg start cuti2 malaysia..
pegi jelajah ke utara...
and
the first place yg diaorg sampai is....

jeng jeng jeng..

Sungai Petani!

uwaaa
and they r heading to Hosp Sungai Petani..

and those unwanted feelings dtg smula menjenguk diriku..

sebak..
sayu..
hiba..

wahai kesayangans..kenapa la korg ke sana..
if only u all know that there is one specific homosapiens kat hosp itu yg telah berjaya wat ati kita remuk..
mmg hati ini remuk smpai rasa lgsg xde ruang utk dipulihkan smula..
coz once my heart is broken into trillion pieces..it takes a lifetime to heal..or maybe never...

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sneak peak :)

happy nye join karnival etdhm ni..
such an amazing way to say bye2 to ED n hosp mlaka :)

ni just a pic..
nnt i'll upload yg lain..
hihi..

we r all happy in dis pic :)

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i am gonna miss u!!

ari2 di sini dihiburkan oleh dia..
yes..true.
dia sgt muda..
dia bukan doktor..
and he is not a malay pun..
but he treats me nice..
and he knows all my previous kisah hidup..

how a guy broke my heart into trillion pieces...
and he just know that when i listen to a song that breaks my heart,he will say so..."mcm kisah awk kan.."

hmmm.
and he selalu buy me drinks.. and foods..
he feeds me bila aku lapar..haha.
mmg aku slalu la lapar kan..
keja kat green tu.xsempat mkn minum..and luckily he is around..

and he knows when to make me laugh..
and he respects me...
and that is what i am gonna miss selepas ni..
his company..and presence...

it is such a nice and warm feeling when u know that sumone do care about u...

even sblm ni,the one guy that i stupidly fall for, xpernah treat me seperti dia layan aku..
haha..
thanks a lot awk coz buat idup kta seronok..
i really appreciate it..
and most of all,thank u for all ur care...
and i am gonna miss u...

:(

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kisah patah hati

kecewa
itu je perasaan aku

xde lain melainkn kecewa..

setelah penat invest perasaaan yg menggunung pd dia..
a few days back..
finally..
a good fren of mine bgtau..
dia anggap aku kawan je selama ni..

haha..
terima kasih to u..
i have lost all d chance utk jumpa dgn org yg berpotensi utk jd teman hidup ku..

dah a few days actually..
tp cuma arini aku ada kekuatan utk.menulis...
mula2 ingat nak biar je smua berlalu..
tp....
baik aku tulis kat sini...
supaya jd ingatan pd aku..
supaya jgn sayangkan lelaki bagai nak gila...sbb akhirnya, aku yg merana...
haha...

aku tau. aku xcantik.aku xpandai.aku xkaya.aku xde harta.aku xde pangkat or kedudukan..
aku manusia biasa aje..
tp aku ada hati yg sgt2 menyayangi dia..
tp aku la yg bodoh sbb sayangkan dia separuh mati..
cakap la..apa aje yg aku takkan buat utk dia..??
semua nya aku sanggup buat utk dia..
tp..
yelah.
siapa la aku ni kan..

dia ckp camni,cmtu..
aku percaya..
then dgn tiada keberanian nya, dia diam terus membisu...
then rupanya selama ni, dia anggap aku kawan je..

haha.
hey, u r d best of all the rest!!
coz u manage to break this steel heart of mine into trillion pieces...
thanks to u, i will never trust a guy after this..
coz of u..
now i know that lelaki ni hanya nak dilayan mcm raja, nak dijaga stiap masa, nak dipuja2 dan disanjung stiap waktu...
oh ya..
dan cuma nk yg cantik, manis dan jelita saja..
kalau org mcm aku ni.? bila diperlukan, ko dtg then bila ko xnak,ko campak and just say, "we r only friends.."
oh..dgn tiada keberanian nya..sbb u dont even have d courage to say so to me..kan..?

Lelaki sgt dia tu..LELAKI sgt!!

i dont mind if u say it to me..
i can accept it..

tp..
disebabkan dia diam je selama dekat setahun ni...
slps smua yg berlaku sebelum ni..
haha..
so u think time can heal all d wounds that u cause la..?
langsung tidak..

haha..

aku tau..
tulis meroyan mcm ni..
apa aje yg aku dpt..
dosa je la kan..
tp at least i know someone will read..
and at last he knows..

how he breaks my heart..

and i wish u get what you deserve...

and what i know now..

U dont deserve my love.
Fullstop.

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semalam yg seronok ;)

yesterday morning..
satu pagi yg happy.

good food, amazing friends  made my dau ;)

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beza

aku dh tau..
betapa bbeza nya..
dulu dan skrg..

dulu..bole aje tiap masa layan kan pertanyaan ku..
dulu..bole je jawab smua sms dan panggilan aku..
tp..
skrg..tanya la apa pun..dia xkan layan..
skrg..anta la sms n call sebanyak mana pun..dia xkan balas..

knapa nak kena wat camtu..?
do u think i will be pengacau dlm kebahagiaan hidup u..?

no.
but coz i miss my bestfren..

kalaupn awak xkisahkan saya..but at least..appreciate la our friendship..

hmmm.
just so u know..
i do appreciate u..that much..
though u dont know..
and u dont even care...

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planning..

saya plan nak wat locum..
smoga dipermudahkan Allah..
reason nak wat locum..?
gaji bulan2 xcukup ke..?

ntah la..
nak wat locum.sbb byk tanggungjawab..
haha..percaya x statement tu..?

single pn byk tanggungjawab ke..?
ntah la..
tp..saya nk wat locum sbb -

1)nak kumpul duit nk ajak mama abah jenjalan..walaupn stakat ke jb..tp still..kena ada duit gak kan nak jenjalan.. duit mnyk.tol.mkn.hotel.. smua nk kena kira tu..
2) nk blanja budak2 ni mkn..yela..diaorg byk sgt tlg aku spjg aku kat ED hosp mlaka ni..so..kena la aku blanja..xmkn besar pn..makan ayam golek or sate kampung jawa pn ok kan..
3)nk kmpul duit beli hfon baru..haha..itu klaka kn..bukan satu keperluan pn..tp....saya nak jugak..

maka skrg..
kena kerja rajen..
esok is my 1st day doing locum..
walaupn skejap aje..
hopefully lepas ni akan lebih byk lg...insyaAllah :)

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Surah Al-Anbiya, Verse 89: And Zakariya, when he cried to his Lord: O my Lord leave me not alone; and Thou art the best of inheritors. (English - Shakir) via iQuran

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terbiasa~

dah terbiasa..
bila marah2 dgn kerenah patients/ relatives. ada yg akan cool kan..
dia xwat apa pun..dia just bdiri situ..dgr kta bebel2 then gelak2..
then i'll start to gelak also...
and ill go back to my room and start again my daily routine...tgk patients di green zone ED Hospital Melaka....

dah terbiasa..
bila lapar  
anta msg...bebel2 yg kta lapar..then he'll go n buy food..

dah terbiasa dgn dia..
walaupun.sengal.dia xagak2.
but..
sbb dh terbiasa..smua tu mewarna kan hidup.ku di ED..

so.skrg terpikir..
ntah mcm mana la idup ku kat institut kanser negara..
xde kawan..
sorg2 kat sana..
uhu..
sgt takut dan seram..
and i am hoping for d best..

for me..any future patients..

sbb dah terbiasa..
dduk kat institut kanser nnt..?
uhuu

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wake up call.

last nite..
tido kat umah anne..
ntah kenapa whatsapp aku sgt lambat send msg  maybe internet ku yg bengong kot.
haha 
last received text dpd dia..
he told me he went to eat icecream the day before..
aku jawab la..ooo..xajak..
then dia diam aje...
so aku buat bodoh la..

dduk.lepak minum mocha freppe kat mcd..
sedap sgt!!
sambil sembang2 ngan anne cyg..
mmg menggembirakan ati.

so bila sampai umah anne 
dh siap2 nak tido..
aku pn text la dia..dh tido eh..?

then he replies..
knapa lambat rply?

haha..
aku kan kluar dgn anne.
aku ingat dia yg xrppy msg aku..rupa2nye dia xdpt msg aku..
haha..

rupanya dia dh nk.tido..mata dh xbole bukak dh..
haha..

aku tersilap ckp ke smpai dia tunggu aku rply baru dia nk g tido..?

haha..
suka la berkelakuan begitu pd aku..

aku pun suruh la dia tido..coz kami keja esok nya..
dia kan masuk kul 7pagi..
aku kan dah up sikit skrg..so aku masuk kul 8.
haha..
so aku saje la ckp..
esok nnt kejut tau..

and he did just that..

aku dh bgn pn sbnrnya..
fon dlm.poket..
aku tgh drive nk balik umah dpd umah anne 
kul 630am..
he call sampai missed call.. (seluar aku kan ketattt..malas giler nk korekkkk kluar kan fon.dpd kocek jeans aku yg ketattttt tu.haha)

then he text..
wada..bangun..
sembahyang subuh...

haha..
ntah knapa aku rasa comel sgt..
siap suruh aku gi smbhyg subuh tu yg aku xtahan >_<
hehe..

mgkn org rasa..ala..biasa la tu..
tp utk aku..
luar biasa..
sbb..

slalu nye sebelum ni..

aku je la yg bgn pagi2 then kejut kan lelaki bgn pagi..
kejut dia nk stayup la
kejut dia nk g kelas la..
kejut masa ni. kejut masa tu..

tp ni..
org yg kejut aku..
haha..
mmg wow la kan..
haha..

ke sbb dia terlalu muda dan anak ikan..perangai dia slalu je secomel kanak2 riang..?
haha..
aku pn xtau..
janji aku seronok..
kan.. ;)

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life as it is

things happen..
haisyh.
itu sgt susah when things happen..
when everything is not in ur control..

huuu.
thinking back and i dont know what i did wrong. .

life is hard enough for me..
but life without love is much.more difficult to handle..

slepas 5thn hati ini cuma kenal satu nama..mcm mana nak padamkan smua tu..?

all d dreams that keep.on repeating in my sleep..
up till today..
i cant sleep coz i dont want to dream..at all...

ntah apa yg silap.
ntah apa yg salah...
looking back at my decisions..

maybe..
the only reason i am still alone is sooo plain simple..

aku xcantik.xkurus..
fullstop..
as easy as that..

but i do wonder...
adakah org yg buruk mcm aku ni..mmg xlayak nk idup bahagia..?

mungkin la kot 
kebahagiaan mgkn hanya utk org yg cantik, yg ada kedudukan, yg kaya, yg ada nama..
but for me...
apa la yg aku ada....

dah banyak kali aku ulang2 ckp.
tp sbnarnya..
siapa yg bole tau betapa remuknya hati ku ini...
i know i sound pathethic..
but it is true...

i am sooooo freaking pathetic.

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aku harus bersyukur

slalu aku mengeluh di blog ini
yelah..
ni aje la tempat aku meluahkan smua perasaan aku..
tp..
sebenarnya..
banyak sungguh nkmat yg Allah bg pd aku..
cuma aku yg terlalu buta..
slalu sgt rasa xbest..
padahal terlalu banyak yg Allah beri pada aku..

yes.true..
aku solo..
tp..
walaupun aku single..
idup aku sgt berwarna warni..
with my frens around me..
slalu teman kan aku..stiap masa dan ketika..
siapa yg xkan tersenyum kan..

mmg aku slalu teringat pd dia yg kat utara yg xpernah kisah pn pada aku kt sini..
tp....
at the same time, aku kat sini ada aje org yg temankan..
tiap ari ada je bnda comel yg berlaku..
sampai aku kdg tersengih sorg2 sbb rasa mcm terlalu comel utk aku yg dh tua ni..
sungguh..
small little gestures that make my day, everyday..
at least aku bole tersenyum eventhough bila aku keseorgan, org di utara tu yg berlegar dlm kenangan sampai bergenang airmata..
tu sebabnya aku slalu xmau dduk sorg2..
sbb aku tau aku akan kalah pd perasaan aku sndiri......

tp..
pada masa yg sama..
dis one particular guy..
sgt slalu membuatkan.aku tersenyum..
sampai aku rasa mcm idup dlm dunia yg berbeza...

hmmm.
bayang kan la..
aku dh start my MO-ship sejak isnin lagi..
MO di ED hospital mlaka..
walaupn baru tagging..
aku start di green zone..
xpernah2 ada PPW yg dtg n dduk.kat green tu..
but he does that..
dia dtg..
tgk2 all my patients' clerking sheet..
dduk and gelak2 beside me..
even masa dia nk g makan pun, he comes to my room kat green zone tu, and wash his hands there!!
haha..
walaupn.stress kerja kat green sbb sgt ramai pt tp.aku sgt blur cmne nak manage patients tu semua, aku slalu je tersenyum.. sbb gelagat diavyg pelbagai..
haha.
ada ke yg berani mcm dia..?
haha..
yelah..
satu bilik MO akan dikongsi oleh 2MOs utk.tgk pt..
so..
he daringly comes to the room yg saya dduk and bertindak pelbagai perangai..
haha..

sampai idayu selalu pesan, "wada, ko jgn naughty.."
aku gelak2 je..
sbb bkn aku yg dtg n cari dia..
dia yg dtg berlegar2 dpn muka aku..
so sbg manusia yg menghargai keindahan hidup; aku pun menghayati la "keindahan" yg ada kat depan.mata...
haha..

aku tau betapa berdosa nya aku berperangai begitu..
tp..
he usually make me smile..
so..
patut kah aku stop all these and live my old, gloomy days...

or..

i just enjoy his presence...
sampai la aku dipindah kan semula ke putrajaya...

haha..

to d guy who always make me smile..
u know who u r kan..
thanks for always be there to make me smile..
we r from.worlds apart..
we wont b anything more than friends...
but..thanks a lot sbb slalu gmbirakan kta dgn kecomelan perangai n rupa anda..
hahaha..

tp..ur rambut buruk arini..too skema..spiky hair smula plzz :p

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misery

saya ingatkan saya dah salurkan semua perasaan saya ke arah lain..
rupanya..
saya silap..
silap besar..

saya ingat saya dh berjaya lupuskan dia dpd kamus idup saya..
saya silap..
sjlap besar..

saya ingat dia dh xde makna lgsg dlm idup saya..
saya silap..

kebelakangan ni...
saya selalu rasa sgt letih..
exhausted jiwa raga..
penat badan masih bole direhatkan bdan ni..
tp kalau letih perasaan..?
camne nak buat pn saya xtau..

the past few days have been very exhausting..
setiap kali saya tidur..
pasti nya cuma satu tema aje mimpi2 dlm tidurku..

Dia akan kawen..
dlm mimpi2 ku..
semuanye pasal dia akan kawen..

i got his invitation from fb to come to his wedding..

i heard someone talking (more like bergossip) about him getting married and i pun curi2 dgr perbualan mereka..

i got the invitation card to his wedding..

someone shout out loud in front of my face that dia akan kawen xlama lagi..

and the horror of them all,
i got a phone call from him to tell me that he is getting married..

uwaa
kan horror tu..
sampai aku xsanggup nk tido dgn nyenyak sbb aku xmau mimpi itu berulang2 lagi..

and i think
after all these while, i still cry for all these..
crying for nothing..
membazir kan air mata utk dia mmg xguna langsung..

but i cant help it..
i cant help myself..

dan saya sgt xtau apa yg harus saya lakukan...

i cant sleep well
i cant have a decent dream..
i cant stop myself from crying over him....

even the one dpn mata cant stop me from crying each time i am alone.
i guess.
i still have feelings pada dia...

bodoh wada!
bodoh!!

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alone

the past few days r the end of my Ho days..
and it is sad to say, i am all alone..
hmm.
alah bisa tegal biasa..
dah dekat sebulan dduk umah sorg2..
and what do i learn..?
saya masih xkebal dpd kesunyian..
huuu
kalau mata terbuka besar mcm skrg ni, mula la perasaan xsyok dtg menjelma..
terpikir what did i do wrong in all the things that i hav done..
being alone is sooooo depressing..
tp ok gak la sbb slalu ada je yg rajin teman kan aku..
so aku xde la terasa sunyiiii sgt..
but still...
huuu..
ntah la..
pagi2 buta mcm ni pasang tv and ada lagu rossa-tega..
and it really make me feel hurt..
coz eventhough smua tu dh lepas dekat setahun, it still hurts this much..
it does......

oh stupid me..
sgt bodoh sbb rasa seperti ini..
hmmm.
ke ini hanya la kesepian yg berkata-kata...  :(
i

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out of no where..

me..i work am-nite at resus..
dia..i dont know dia keja mana arini tp dia keja ptg la..

masa aku tgh discuss with 3other HOs at resus..
suddenly dia dtg..
and he joined us..
sambil senyum2..
tp sekejap aje dia join..
then dia keluar..

so i text him..n tanya dia jaga mana.
dia jaga minor ot...pm..
lgsg xde kena mengena dgn resus..
maksudnye, saje kan dtg nak tnjuk muka kat aku..? haha..
perasan giler aku!!!
tp aku rasa betul..
hahaha..
nasib baik la muka ensem..
kan..? :p

then masa aku dh nk balik..
tgh basuh tgn kat sinki kat sebalik langsir..
and out of nowhere he comes and cakap, g hospimart, jom..
haha.
aku ikut je la..
lgpn,mijah n bihah pun ikut sama..
so, yang episod ptg ni, xberapa nak perasan la..
tp...
nak jugak perasan, plzzzzz :p

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seharian~

setelah lama meninggalkan arena kerja di resus..
start dpd arini..aku duduk resus semula..
uwaaa
penat sgt..
patient yg datang memang xhenti2..
macam ari raya meriah nye resus itu..
huuu..
tapi..
nasib baikla pagi2 tadi dah mendapat hiburan yg membuatkan aku tersenyum sorg2 mcm org giler sbb teringat kisah di siang ari..
haha..

walaupun saya berperangai macam budak xcukup umur.
hakikatnye..
saya sudah sgt tua..

tapi..
bila tetiba saya dilayan seperti budak2 muda..
it really makes my day.

haha.

bila bangun pagi tadi..
memang la dah lewat betul..
kul 730am baru tjaga 
apa lagi..subuh gajah la namanye!!
haha.
then turun..mandi2..basuh baju..sidai baju..goreng fries utk breakfast..
amik buku..
cari port yg syok skali utk landing..
hmmm.
disebabkan belum ada feel nk membaca, i call mama..
sembang dekat sejam dgn mama..
jam dh kul 1020..

then on internet..
haha.
kan dh dpt msg gudmorning..
tp today is.special sbb...
haha..ada kecomelan di situ..
but i reply lambat sejam..
haha..
sungguh mengecewakan la aku ni..
org dh siap bertindak.comel..
aku lak yg terkalut sorg2..
haha..
apa yg comel..?
org yg text me tu la comel..
sgt!!
i show the text to.mijah cyg..
and mijah pn ckp comel..
hihi..
tp.mijah ckp, carefull..

huuuu..
camne nak carefull camni..
ari2 perangai.comel dia macam2..

haisyh >_<

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pemandu teksi..?

sepatutnya saya berserita pasal raya..
sbb skrg kan musim raya..
my raya was menyeronokkan..
best dpt cuti pada 1st sampai 3rd raya..
dpt spend time dgn family mmg sgt membahagiakan..

so..mana pic raya..?
xbanyak..
sadly to say..
mgkn kah sbb saya dh tua..
hmmm.
or saya dh makin hodoh dan kereput..haha

so..
apa kaitn tajuk blogpost ni dgn crita raya..?langsung xde kaitan..
haha..
ni kisah yg terjadi tadi..

i was walking across the street..
sedang melintas jalan dgn dak tu la kan.
haha..
melintas jalan..then terlintas la pulak depan kreta akak staff nurse..
staff nurses tu tersengih2 melihat ktaorg lalu memberi kan kami kesempatan utk melintas kat dpn kreta diaorg. .

he said: haha.kantoi la depan akak staff nurse..macam xde org lain lak kita nak jmpa kan..
i said: tu la pasal..but, diaorg kenal ke kita..?i dont know any of them..
he said: memang la diaorg kenal..saya kan pakai uniform ni..mmg kantoi la..
and i just laughed at him...

then, out of no where, he said..
"saya nampak macam pemandu teksi kan..?pakai baju saya mcm ni..ntah2 akak tadi ingat saya ni pemandu teksi..."
he sounds sad...
oh i just look at him..
and only managed to say, "tak la..mana ada pemandu tksi pakai baju macam ni..diaorg tak smart sgt mcm ni.."
(abg2 pemandu teksi, harap maaf la ya...saya xbermaksud nak ckp yg abg2 xsmart..tapi bila budak kecik dh beragam mcm sedih, apa lagi daya yg saya ada selain memujuk..)

and he just walked quietly...
a

hmmm.
kalau nak ikutkan ati..
nak aje kita cakap, haha..kalau ensem cam ni dianggap pemandu teksi, makna nye, awak jadi pemandu teksi private just utk saya aje la :p

hahaha
gelak evil :p

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tinggal 2ari lagi

Kejap je masa berlalu.
Ramadhan yg mulia sudah dkat nak tinggalkan kta..
Tahun ni..pengalaman bpuasa yg sgt berbeza..
Dduk seorg diri kat melaka..
Mmg terasa seperti idup si perantau..
Dduk jauh dpd kluarga..
Uwaaa..
Sayuuuu je dgr lagu raya..
Bila dgr je lagu raya..for sure saya akan bukak lagu lain..
Bukan sbb saya anti lagu raya..
Tp...
Saya xsanggup nak dgr lagu raya..
Uwaaa..
I miss my family sooooo much..
Sob sob...

Tp..
Allah itu Maha Penyayang 
Walaupun mama abah jauh..
Tapi sbb kawan2 kat ED smua nye best2 blaka..rasa kurang la sedih di hati..
And now..i am counting d days utk pulang ke umah mama abah utk beraya...
Yeay!!

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sorang sorang

Now that adik na dah pindah duduk dgn mama abah..
I am all alone in mlaka..
Uwaaa
Idup sorg mmg bole jd org gilerrr..
Huuu
I just cant take the loneliness..
Huuuu
Sampai rasa dlm ati, nak behenti keja smata2 supaya dpt gi duduk dgn mama sbb saya xbole idup keseorangan...
Huuuuuuuuuuu...
Tp..
If i just quit my job...
Macam mana..?
Sape nk bayar utang kreta ku itu..?
Aku xsanggup kehilangan nye..
So..
Demi sang MCE 3399
Aku gagahi jua hidup seorg diri ini..
Haisyh...

P/s:sorg kwn saya ckp, wada kawenla..nnt xde la hidup sendirian...
Huuu
Tp..masalah nye..
Nak kawen dgn sape........

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still...

Kan kat entry sblm ni..konon2 nye dah janji..
Xmau berpoya2 lagi..
Xmau kacau anak org lg..
Nak jd lebih baik...
Tp. .........   ..
Susah nye nak berubah..
Tambahan lak dgn gelagat org yg slalu ada dekat dgn kta ni...
Haisyh...
Kan dah ckp...
Kalau ensem dan berperangai comel, how can i resist...? Uwaaa..

Kenapa..?
He lingers!!!!
Uwaaa.. Dah la berperangai comel...lagi la saya tak jadi lalu meng-cancel kan plan nak menjadi baik dan tidak berpoya2...

I am still in asthma bay..
And dia jaga minor ot..
Haha
Slalu nye..bebudak lain yg jaga minor ot akan tolong kat bilik procedure kalau minor ot xde pt..
But...
He just sits in asthma bay...
Main game la..siap suruh aku main sama la..
Dah la dduk sebelah aku...

Haisyh..
Patut la aku ter-tak bole puasa arini...
Hahaha..
Alasan..alasan..

Bongoks wada..
Bongoks!!

Then bila aku disuruh jaga triage sekejap..aku ajak mas siti aishah skali..
Tp sbb jaga triage sgt xbest..
Maka aku pn msg dia utk s.o.s
Haha

Jap lepas tu..
Dia dtg.and ckp MO suruh HO wat deblistering pd baby day-15 of life..
Haha
Aku xtau samada dia reka crita je ke apa..
Tp aku dpt la lari dpd dduk kat triage..

Lalu aku ke minor ot..
Haha..
Thanks a lot ya sbb come to my rescue..
Hahaha..

Mmg la aku ni bongoks..
Azam a few days ago senang je terhilang..
Haisyh..

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and i shall end this..

And now i have come to a clear term..
And i think it is because of keberkatan Ramadhan

Although Ramadhan is coming towards the end 
Dan sekarang la baru aku tersedar kebodohan aku selama ni..

Haha.. Seriously i am laughing at myself with all my might..

Yes true..
I enjoy every moment of that thingy 
But when reality hits...
It hits hard 
As if waking me up from a deep sleep..

And now..
I am starting to be my old self..
Let me be boring..
Let me be lonely..
But plz..i dont want to get involved deeper in this weirdest thing hapenning btwn us....
And as the future unfolds...
I'll accept it all..
I'll accept it all..

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at home with love

Alhamdulillah..sampai dah kat umah ni..
Yeay!
Selepas dua minggu xbalik umah..
Akhirnya..dpt gak balik jmpa mama abah n adik2 ku yg nakal lg busyuk masam..
Haha
Esok ada banyak planning..
So...
Kena tido yg cukup..
But i cannot sleep..
Coz i am sooooo happy to be at home..
Yeay!! ;) ;) ;)

Alhamdulillah..

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aaawww..

Borak2 dgn idayu..
Pasal balik umah..
Idayu gelak2 je cakap aku drive slow je..kurang dpd 100km/jam je..
Aku pun gelak2 la..
He was there also..duk dgr je bila ktaorg borak2...
Then bila aku ckp kat idayu,aku speed sampai 1**km/jam..
Idayu gelak2 je..sgt xpercaya kemachoan aku memandu sang forte kesygn...
Tapi dia yg kat depan aku...terbeliak bijik mata..sambil geleng2 kepala..
Then bebel2 kat aku sbb aku speed laju2 sorg2 kat highway... Bahaya katanya..
Haha
Aku gelak kan dia..
Sbb ckp bahaya..
Then dia bebel2 lagi.
Haisyh...
Sape yg suka bebel2 ni..?
Aku ke dia..??
Haha...

Tapi...
Yang buat aku oh-so-terharu..
Coz malam ni..
Masa aku on da way balik putrajaya..he text me..suruh be carefull kat highway..if anything,just tell him..

Awwww..
If anything just tell u...?
Ok la...
Ill tell u..
Soooooooo sweet of u ;)

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jangan berpoya-poya ya!!

Comel..comel..comel...
Haisyh..
Smalam itu la status fb aku..
Bila diaorg tanya..aku ckp la sbb baju raya yg berwarna warni..huhu
Tp sebenarnya..sbb ke-comel-an sikap org..haisyh~

Ari2 disuakan dgn perangai comel org..haisyh..cmne la nak ditolak kecomelan

We both keja nite shift..
Tp sbb aku keja asthma bay,aku bole la tido kejap2 masa pt xde..
Tp sbb dia keja procedure room,mmg xbole tido la..
Harapan la aku yg "rajin" ni nak tlg dia kan..
Tp dia baik la sgt siap tlg aku bg IV hydrocort kat pt sbb aku malas nak pasang branula kat pt tu..Haha

Ensem dan berkelakuan comel...so kena panggil dia apa..?hmmmmm.. Yg saya ingat, Romualdo je la lelaki yg ensem dan berkelakuan comel..siapa Romualdo..?hero The Cave of The Golden Rose...ala.fantaghiro punya knight in shining armour tu la...eh..ada si fernando jose jugak..dpd crita rosalinda yg jd kegilaan semua org time aku skola dulu..haha..

Ok..cukup2 la merepek wada...

Knapa dia berkelakuan comel..?
Haha..sbb dia kan masih anak2 ikan so mestila jiwa budak2..haha

Semalam..dia siap bawak game board yg kecik2 tu..yg magnetic yg ada game dam ular la..dam aji la..and play benda tu..
Haha. Disebabkan aku kan dh tua,aku sendiri dh lupa cmne nak main...so,dia la yg duk mengajar aku cmne nak main..siap mainkan aku punya dam tu lagi..naik tangga la..kena telan ular la...
Hahaha..i was so close to win but saya telah ditelan ular besar yg telah makan saya sampai ke tempat bawah skali..hahaha..
Apasal comel..?
Sbb sgt bersungguh2 main dam ular tu..mcm zaman knak2  ribena dulu..
Haha..

Selepas sahur dan solat subuh..disebabkan tiada pt dah..aku pn amik selimut n dduk kat sofa kat asthma bay tu dan zzzzzz..
Haha..mmg xsenonoh..
Tapi...lantaklah kan..mata dh nantok..

Then tiba2 aku terjaga..
Mcm ada org kejut..
Terpisat2 gosok mata..
Then dgr budak2 ni ckp, "tu..tu.... yg kejut.."
Aku mcm terpinga2..nampak dia gelak2 je..and ckp morning..
Uwaaa..
Ngantok..tp aku mcm senyum je..then nampak dia lari..haisyh..

Aku pn apa lagi..
Amik selimut.masuk kat bakul laundry kotor..and bergegas nak marah org yg xsemena2 ganggu aku yg tgh syok tido..
Then nampak dia ngan supervisor dia..
Tp tersengih2 sbb tau aku nak ketuk dia sbb kacau aku tido..
So..aku blah je la..

Then.masa on da way balik..
Dpt text dia..
Mntak maaf sbb dia kejut aku tido..
Haha..
Mmg patut aku bangun pn waktu tu..dh 730am pn..org shift pagi pn dh sampai...
Hmmm.
Ntah apa yg comel ntah kan..
Tp sbb dia comel kot..smua yg dibuat pn jadi comel la..kan..?

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happy

Happy sbb my cyg ada good news..
Happy sgt sbb at last she will lead a happy ever after life..
Mcm cerita fairytale yg penuh emosi tu...
Kisah idup my cyg ni sorg pn banyak halangan n cabaran nya..
But..
As what people always say..

Jodoh tu di tangan Allah..
When the time is right, the right person will come..

And i am soooooo happy that she has found her other half..

And ia dtg tiba2..xdisangka2.
And sebaik-baik perancangan adalah dpd Allah ;)

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Dosa Ramadhan~

Kadang2 tertanya sendiri..

Hmmm.
Do i flirt too much..?
Entahla..
Kalau suka tgk a guy tu...
Sbb he is handsome..and kind and nice..
Tak salah kan..?
But...
What if it goes further...?

D two of u eat together and he is the one paying eventhouh ur salary is more than his..
He asks u to teman him makan sahur and share his food with u..
He asks u to teman him makan sebab u said d lauk sedap but actually dia cuma makan kuah nye saja..haha..
He ajak u keluar go to bazaar with him.
He sits next to u and comes around whenever he is free...
He always linger around...though it is fun to have a handsome guy around u selalu, but....i have to work and be focus with my job..tak bole la asyik main mata and tergelak2 all da time..
He finds ur number and call..luckily i was deeply sleeping that time..haha..tido di petang Ramadhan mmg bjaya mengurangkan pahala..haha..
hmm.for me,that is such a brave move..kan..?

Oh..he does talk about other girls..and i do join his talk about other girls..yela..mamat ensem mestila dikenenkan with cute/pretty girls.. But he always end up with saying,  "wada. Wada....."

Haha..macam aku ni budak kecik je kan..

Tp then he will be more playful than before..
Lagi mengada..
Ish ish..

But..
I think..
I am already too old for dis flirtatious game that we r playing..
I am too old for the game..
And i am too old for him.. Bukan setahun dua...
5years apart..

Plus..
No matter how charming he may be..
We r from different religion..
Hmmm..

Dear..
I do like u...
But we r of two different worlds..
U r still young..and i am too old for u..
And i think u can find someone better than me...

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kerja malam d bulan puasa

As usual.. ED la tmpt plg bz kat seluruh sepital ni.. Smua admission akn melalui ED..
And kerja di ED la yg plg hectic..
And my family selalu ckp that i am a workaholic..
Haha..

But..
It is comforting to hear mama says that i can survive ED life bcoz of my frenz..
Mama is soooo true!!
Saya sendiri xperasan yg masa berlalu dgn pantas..
Dan saya berjaya melalui hari2 di ED kerana kawan2 saya..
Mijah cyg sntiasa di sisi..
Ada hanis..anne..mas..
Idayu n siti k pn dah start join ED..
Yeay..

Alhamdulillah..
Syukur pd Allah kerana berikan kawan2 yg hebat ni yg sntiasa di sisi..

So itu la sbab nye saya suka keja kat ED..
Yeay!!

P/s: anak ikan. ..? Yup..ada anak ikan jugak..banyak anak2 ikan tau kat sini..haha

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off day semalam

Yesterday..my off day..
Abah mama dtg amik anak diaorg yg letih kerja pagi mlam ptg pagi malam ptg ni..
Yeay!! Terasa sgt disayangi..walaupn sehari je off dan arini aku kerja semula..
Mama abah sgup dtg amik aku yg jauh ni..
Terharusgt!!
Eventhough dh tua bangka..
Mama abah sgup dtg dpd jauh nk amik saya..yippie!!
Tp saya tido sepjg perjalanan..sepjg ari..
Tido n tido n tdo..
Not much that i did..
But at least dpt lepaskan rndu d hati..
Happy..
Plus dpt jmpa my little baby sister...
Baby dh besar dh..
Xbaby lg..
And i think, she is becoming lebih cantik skrg..
Uwaaa..jeles..
Nape org lain jd makin cantik but me..? Makin burok!!!

Haha..

P/s: ni la my latest wallpaper hphone..gamba baby tersayang ;)

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anak ikan berenang~

Di kala kerja di ED ini..saya terasa muda selalu..
Haha..
Budak2 ni duk ingat aku lahir tahun 1989..
Haha..
So young ke i ni..?

So disebabkan saya telah perasan muda,saya mau cuci mata dgn.org2 muda...
Hahaha..
Tapi skrg kan bulan Ramadhan yg mulia...
Kena jaga pandangan *GULP*

Haha..sesuka suki saja memandang anak ikan

Tp..disebabkan aku sesuka suki melihat2..aku nak jugak melihat2 anak ikan..
Yeay!!

Tp..
Saya suka anak ikan yg berlainan bangsa..
Haha.. Kalau sebelum ni i suka ikan jenahak, sekarang i suka ikan pari la ek..?
Haha..
Paham ke apa aku ckp..? Aku pn xpaham..haha..

Tp yg pnting..
Anak ikan saya pandai bahasa melayu..
Haha..gelap sudah pasti :p
Lak tu, siap puasa dgn kta org skali..
Siap suruh aku ajar niat puasa lagi..
Haha..
So cute so cute my anak ikan di kolam ED :p

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kerja di Ed

Working in ED..already in my 3rd month here..
Seronok..
Tp kerja kat yellow zone terutama nye di kala bulan puasa...sangat2 mencabar..
Saya bukan la org yg penyabar..
Saya cepat je marah2..
Saya senang mengamuk..
Huuu.
Not a good personality for a doctor..

Huuu..
Semoga saya lebih penyabar dan xmarah2 lagi...
Semoga saya tenang selalu..

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HO PEREMPUAN- sedap ke kalau org panggil ko camtu..?

Semalam..
Aku serious jd sgt cranky..

I am generally an ok person..
I can do my work when i am supposed to..
But please, jangan la jadi boss dan arahkan aku wat itu ini sesuka ati kau..
I am a human and i need to be treated as one!!

Kisah nye..
Aku jaga yellow zone..
Ada 4HOs but 2 of them kena tolong abg pi'ee wat data dalam ofis..
So tinggal la 2 HOs in yellow..
Yesterday was a fine day..
Not as hectic as usual..
Patient pn masuk satu persatu..
Alhamdulillah..

So sekali tu, disebabkan keamanan di yellow, aku rasa mcm jittery sbb terlalu free hingga aku asyik berlegar2 je..
Suddenly..

A JM (jururawat masyarakat) comes and call for a HO perempuan...

"ada HO perempuan x..?"
So i look at her and my MO also pointed towards me..

And she said,
" ni hah, wat in-and-out kat patient ni.. Drpd tadi tunggu dia kencing, tapi xnak kencing..lama sangat dah tunggu..buat in and out ajelah.." and the tone was not of a nice one..tapi macam seorg pengarah yg suruh kuli dia wat kerja stat!!

And i was like..what????

Ko siapa sesuka ati ckp camtu..
Sesuka ati suruh aku wat kerja..
Sesuka ati nak in and out pd patient dan suruh aku yg dipanggil HO perempuan ni..?

I CAN do it..no problem..
But where is ur manners..?
Dtg2 carik HO PEREMPUAn..? And she did say that..
Cant u just say TOLONG???!!!!!

Mungkin anda rasa it is not a big deal..
But it is...
For me, manners come first..

If you want people to do something, u have to say please/ tolong..
And kindly say thank you afterwards..

Ko kenapa nak panggil aku HO PEREMPUAN..?
I have a name ok..
I dont mind if u dont want to call me doctor..
But at least call me by my name..

Seriously...
People are saying that youngsters today have no manners..
But..
Where do they learn all these..?

In my opinion, a simple please/thank you will make u sound more proper and it shows that u do have manners!!

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perlukah

At this age of mine..
I should start berfikir pasal masa hadapan..
Pasal cari pasangan utk kehidupan akan dtg..
Pasal nak stay kat mana..
Pasal nak further study ke or nak jd chronic MO ke..

Hmmm.
Maybe yg paling aku pikir skrg is about mencari pasangan hidup..
Rasa mcm desperado je skrg ni..

Knapa ntah.maybe sbb kerja di ED..banyak kawan2 dgn budak2 muda.. Rasa saya masih muda..
Haha

Hmmm.
For d time being..
Xjumpa sesapa yg berkenan..
It is not that saya memilih..
Tp...
Kalau saya xmemilih, bole kah saya spend d whole of my life with someone yg xmampu saya compatible-kan dgn gaya hidup saya yg huru-hara-hiri-horror ni!!

Hmm.
I asked around if ada sesape utk dikenali..if ada sesape yg bole saya compatible-kan dgn diri saya..

One of d girl has a guy..
30 y/o.
Smoker on off -turn off
Gelap- ok
Works in area kapal2, xstable gak la dgr nye..
Huu..
Tp dia sgt baik..sgt caring..dan menjaga solat..
Hmmm
Camne la..
I dont think i can la..

Saya xkisah pekerjaan nye..
Tp i do mind about stability..
Cmne nak jaga dan tampung saya yg setiap bulan overbudget sehingga selalu duit saya negatif!!haha..

Ntah la..
Patut ke saya try2 kenal anyone aje..
Ntah2 bole jmpa my prince charming..

Hmmm.
Ntahla kan..
Ntah la kan..

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wada the explorer!!

Pernah tgk kartun dora the explorer..?
Saya xpernah..haha.
But i do know the cartoon sbb kdg2 ternampak iklan dia kat tv..
And kadang2 ternampak barang2 dora the explorer yg dijual di pasaran..sbb budak dora tu kelihatan comel berambut pendek memakai beg berjalan2 mengeksplorasi dunia penuh adventur..haha..
Bahasa melayu sgt!!
Haha.

Saya bukan nak promote crita dora tu..
Walaupun budak dora tu comel..
Tp nk crita pasal gelaran tu yg dipanggil oleh sorg PPW kat ED ni...
(saya xtau la PPW stands for apa..tapi, kalau doktor kan ada MO dan HO-nye..
MA-medical assistant pun begitu..PPP seperti MO, PPW seperti HO, still in training)

Ok..
Disebabkan nama saya yg one of a kind..
People usually get it wrongly..
So sekali tu kerja ptg dgn budak ppw ni kat yellow zone..
He started to call me "wanda".. I pun membebel2 ckp bukan wanda la, wada la..

So dia pn ckp "ooo.wada d explorer..."

I was like.? Xmarah pun tp rasa kelakar..

Do i look macam knak2 praskolah yg belari2 pakai beg pergi mengeksplorasi alam semulajadi..?
Hahaha..
But it was fun to have that nickname..
And skrg bila je kerja dgn this ppw, dia akan panggil saya "wada d explorer"
Comel kan..?

Haha..bole berangan saya muda lagi...
Ahaks :p

P/s: budak ni is too young for me..tahun 1989/90..baya2 adik kita, ija..so maybe sbb dia muda lg, so dia ingat saya pn muda lg kot tu yg dipanggil gelaran kartun kanak2 tu..
hahaha :p

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feeling fades...

It fades...
It does..trust me..

After 6 month of unable to contact you-know-who..
Semalam at last dia jawab my call.and we talk..
Ttg dia nak continue MO-ship in which department..
About dia nak sambung amik master in ortho...
About dia yg nk beli rumah..
And when he asked why i didnt buy d house that i mentioned to him a year plus ago, the fon just terputus begitu sahaja..
Betul..
I did try to call him tapi asyik masuk voicemail..
So i guess that's all for me n him..
Itu saja..

Pernah dgr tak yg "God works in mysterious way..'

I think it is true..
Allah tahu yg terbaik..
And selepas semua doa2 itu, i think.d answer is right in front of my eyes..

He is not for me..

And now i can admit that..
And i will not cry for that..
Coz..
My feelings for him is no longer there..
Full stop..

To him..
I might be d stupidest girl ever..
For believing that u n me will be us..
But now i know..
U and me will always be u and me..
I wasted all this 5years for u..so now i AM moving on..
Goodbye to u..
Thanks for giving me such a  colourful life for d past 5 years (+ 6months of gloomy days ever)

I think it is your loss coz i have been loving u like a mad person does..i used to be willing to do anything for u..to sacrifice everything for u.. But u just ignore me..

I used to think that i am not worth for u.
That i havent dont enough for u..
That i should do more to at least redeem myself to get u...

And now i do see it differently..
And it is true as what my frens had told me repeatedly..

U r just not worth for me..
I deserve someone better than u..
I really do ;)

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kisah "abang wangi"

Rasa nak tergelak sbb nama "abg wangi" tu..
Len cyg yg bagi..hihi..
Mcm comel tp klaka kan nama tu..

Tp i'll be using dat name la lepas ni..
Haha
Macam la akan crita banyak pasal "abg wangi" tu..
Haha

Kisah menarik yg mampu membuat kan saya tergelak sorg2..
Sbb...

Arini i ridiculously update my fb status pasal eye candy..
And dgn xdisangka2, dpt reaksi pulak dpd kengkawan..
Siap ada yg whatsapp tanya siapa eye candy itu..
Sbb dia pn ada crush di ED tu..

Mngkn takut gaduh tarik2 rambut berebut kan eyecandy :p

Hahaha..

Xdpt bayangkan la kalau aku dgn kawan aku tu bgaduh bagai..sampai tarik tudung tercabut rambut semata2 for eyecandy..
Hahaha

Tp rupa2nye eyecandy kami berbeza..haha
So xpayah la gaduh2 tarik muka kn..
Hehehe

But it is fun to feel alive like this...
Xsangka that liking a NEW GUY can bring such a good feeling..

Haha

Tp harus ditegaskan di sini...

1) saya cuma memandang dpd jauh je ya.. Lgsg xde hati pn pada dia.. Betul!!
2) itu cuma eye candy tau..bukan crush...bukan suka pn..haha..
3) dia lgsg bukan taste saya..fullstop.. As informed by mijah cyg "kita rasa dia bkn taste wada.."
And i answered, "kta pn rasa itu bkn taste kita.." haha

But it is so much fun sbb bole cuci mata sekali sekala...
Setelah bertahun asyik membutakan mata..selepas ni, saya akan lebih bukak mata so that i'll have more eye candiesssss :p

Hahahaha (evil laugh)

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