U dont deserve me.

Awk.
Just stop everything

U dont deserve me..

U may have everything.
But u just dont deserve me..

If only u know how much feeling that i have invested on u..
Yes..
For me..my feelings are my investments..
And i dont think u r worth it..

I have once told u that i dont mind spending my money for the one i love..
If only u remember that..
But i dont think u do..

What happen today is such a disgrace..

Awk ingat kta ni siapa..?
How could u..?

I have been planning a lot..since ur birthday is the next day after my Hana's birthday..
Lots are going on my mind..
Balloons la..
Surprise cake la..
Present la..
But now..
U proved to me that u r not worth all this..

U may have everything that i need..
But u dont deserve me..

I would jeopardize everything and anything that i have..
If only u know this..

But now..
U proved that u dont deserve me..
U just dont..

If only u know..
How people have been saying that i dont deserve someone like u..

And now..
Thanks to yourself..
U prove them right..
U just dont deserve me..
U dont..

It is hurtful
And i am going to cry all night.
But tomorrow is another day...

Tomorrow will be the day that i will forget u..
U r not important.
And u dont deserve me..

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Cerita arini

I went out with Kak Mun and Christina..
I texted him if he wants anything

Bought kuey teow cantonese for him..bungkus and bagi pd dia after ktaorg balik makan..

Even with all the problems that he is having..dia still clean and well kempt..
Rambut siap letak minyak smua..
Haha..

And masa balik..
I went down alone..
Christina texted to wait for her at level 1..
And i met him depan punch machine..

A nurse was asking him to close the door next to the punch machine..

He closed the door and then walked straight to me..

"Bole je nak punch kan kalau xtutup pintu tu.." he whispered..

Me: hehe..nnt dia tulis not accepted kot..tu yg dia suruh awk tutupkan pintu..

And he just smiled..

And i melted..
Haha..

And we say our goodbye..

Oh how i am falling for u..
Small gesture actually..
He does not have to come and queue with me at the back..sbb he can directly punch out after closing the door (as i was at the far end of the queue of people ) but he decided to walk to me and beratur bersama2..

Maybe tak ada pape pada org lain..
But for me..that is a plus point of him..
He will always be beside u..

😶😶😶

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This is how broken heart feels

U cant sleep
U cant seem to have a rest
U cant cry as there is nothing to be cried for

U know u r restless
But nothing can help to ease ur restlessness

U really want to scream out
But no voice comes out

Heart broken
Nerves shuttered
Mind and body cant seem to be synchronized..

I really hope that u will never feel what i am feeling now..

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Reading back my old posts

I have been writing on and off in this blog of mine

Mostly about my days
And also about guys yg saya suka..

Haha..
And after reading back..

I think..
The current obsession is a repeatition actually..

He has been there..
And i have been admiring him before..
And i forgot about him  because abang kapten berada di sisi.

Now that abang kapten dh pergi jauh tinggalkan aku sndiri..
I am obsessing over him again..

But now..
We are more matured..
But i am still the silly girl..
Always..

Awak..

The vibes when i am with u..
Is so much different with the vibes when i was with abg kapten..

U make me smile..
He made me smile as well..
But for different reasons..

When he is around..
I feel so excited..palpitation..blood rushing through my veins..pumping my heart three zillion times faster..

But then..
When i am with u..
I feel that u really do care..
U really listen to me..
U put aside ur phone..ignore the calls.. and the messages..
Just to listen to my stupid stories...
U stop eating..u stop everything..
Just to lend ur ears to me..

Oh tell me now..
How do i avoid falling in love with u..

Awak..
I am a silly ugly girl..
I have nothing to offer to u..
But i just want u to know..
I will love u unconditionally through out the remaining years that i have..
Come what may..
Only if u come and tell me...
That u r feeling the same way too..

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During lunch part 1

Inside his car..
Today is his turn to drive..

We were talking about the fire that happened this morning in HSA JB..


Then..
Dia mula cerita mcm2 benda yg buat kta merenung dia sepanjang dia bcakap masa dlm kereta tu..
I was really listening to him..in awe..
Sambil mulut melopong..
And when he turned and look..
Mmg buat kta kagum sgt dgn dia..

Oh..he is sooo mature..and well versed..
Nampak mcm simple and klaka2 orgnya..
But he can talk about serious matters..
Tp dgn gaya mendidik..dan tenang sekali..

And he is as playful as he is..
Wada..cuba teka.. apa amalan yg paling berat timbangan nya di sisi Allah..
And i answered many2 times..takde yg betul..

Me: doa
Him: bukan

Me: beramal pd ibubapa
Him:bukan

Me: sedekah amal jariah
Him:bukan

Me: baca quran
Him:bukan

Me:zikir
Him: bukan

Me:ingat Allah stiap masa
Him: bukan

Me:ikhlas
Him: bukan wada..paling simple..

Ntah la..apa lagi benda simple..smuanya kta dh sebut..
Him: Akhlak.. senangkan.. akhlak yg baik..tp..bukan senangkan nak ada akhlak yg baik..

😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁

Awwww..kenapa la awak ni sgt la main dgn hati kita.. uwaaa..

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Him Again

Semalam dia sms me..
Wada..awk tak nak keluar mkn ke arini..?

But i read the sms late..130pm baru baca..

So..mmg xsempat la kan..

So today..
Awal2 dh mesej dia dh..

Jom arini keluar makan..kta stress kerja kta ni..

Ok..nnt roger2 k..

Tp..sbb bz kat clinic..
Kul 1245 pun masih xsettle2 tgk pt..

He texted at 1259..
Wada..jom3..

So..i finished the pt's plan..terus bergegas..

Waited for him..
And we went out for lunch together..

To be continued..
P/s: he made me fall again for him..
Macam mana awk bole ckp mcm2 perihal agama as well sambil awk drive kereta..sambil awk senyum2..sambil awk explain dgn relaxnya..?
And plz dont give me that look.. i can easily fall too deeply for u if u keep on staring each time i am telling u stories..

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Again with him

Arini clinic abes agak awal..
I managed to finish my patients tepat pukul 1pm..
Wow..terer sgt..haha

So as usual..
I texted him..

Awk..jom keluar makan..

Ok.jom..

Eh..kejap..kat mana..?

Naik kereta awk bole..?

Me: ok..

Cepat wada..dh lambat ni..

Jap..terserempak dr Lau..haha.

And he has already waited at the front of RT Counter..

Jap ek wada..ada call nk kena buat ni..

Ok..

So we walked along and he continued with his phone call..

While covering the front speaker of his phone -nnt kta citer kat awak ek..

Me:ok..

So i drived..
And he talked..on his phone..
Haha..

Eh eh..sejak bila la aku ni jadi sopan kan..?
I am a rebellious girl..
And i do whatever that i wanna do..
Tp..

So..sambil dia ckp telefon..sambil dia ckp with me..

Haha..

Nak gi mana wada..?

Kta gi ayer@8 bole..?

Ok..bole..

And we arrived..
And we ate at assam house..

And we ordered..
And we talk again..

Isyh..banyak benda awk xciter kat kta..

Eh..kta citer la smua kat awk..

Tak.. awk x citer pun pegi sempadan tu...

Haha.. takde la wada..
Kta skrg ni ada one group of friends.. 4 of us.. travelling backpackers style..truly backpackers..tak macam awk yg travel fancy2..
Haha..😆😆😆
(Amboi..suka2 perli kta kan..?)😅😅

Me: Oooo..

All guys..
(Haha..kalau ada girl pn apa salahnya kan.. and i dont dig up to that extend)

And he continued..
Tp travel mmg with very minimal budget...we dont fly..we drive and walk from one place to another..
Mmg very2 minimal spending..
Tp i dont agree with sleeping by the roadside smua tu la...i insisted on staying in proper room at least..

😂😂😂😂
Really didi..? And now i am the one laughing..

Haha.

Ye wada..coz diorg mmg xde duit sgt..tp nak travel2 tgk dunia..so.. tu yang mcm tu..

But then.. awk xpegi ke tgk2 tempat2 bersejarah la..cultural show ke .. muzium ke..

Xde wada.. just pegi..amik2 gamba..tgk.kehidupan kat sana..and balik..

Hmmm.awak enjoy ke..?

Xsangat..

Then why do u join them..?

Sambil dia angkat bahu tanda taktahu..


Aisyhhh ini budak....😓😓😓
Ok..to be continued..haha

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After years..

Years..
He left me for years..

But still..
A single hello from him..
From whatsapp aje pulak tu..
Really makes me shiver..
I was trembling..
And it becomes harder to breathe..

Imagine..
U r still with a patient..
Explaining about his medical condition..
And then..as u need to take pic of the pt' lesion for documentation purpose..

When u opened up your phone..
The first thing that popped up on your screen is..
"Salam.. wada sihat..?"

So..
How do u feel..?

Me..?
I was really shivering..
The pt was still in front of me..
And i just cant breathe.
I cant keep my hands from shaking..
I cant keep my eyes from crying..
I was trying to explain to the pt..while trying hardly not to cry in front of the pt..
And i was tachypneic all of a sudden..
I cant even speak in full sentence....


Dear kapten nun jauh di sana..
I have been trying to forget u..
It has been years..
And a single message from u...
Really keeps all the memory overflowing my mind..

Dear kapten..
I have been loving u too long..
U have been away for too long as well..
And i dont know how this will end..
But..
I just cant do this anymore..
I just cant..

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U should know that..

Awk..
U should know that..
I genuinely care for u..
Not to say that i am trying to make u love me..
No..

Awk..
U should know that..
I have never ever asked u for any return..
I am doing all these just so u know that there is still someone who thinks of u everyday..

Awk..
U should know that..
I may be annoying.. and all that i did may make u feel annoyed..
But..
U can always tell me that..
If u feel that i am making u feel uncomfortable or anything la..

But..
U should not do what u have done to me now..

U should know that i am also a girl with a pride..

And for u..
I have thrown my pride away..
But not anymore..

Sorry to say..
I will not ask anything to u anymore..
I will not care about u anymore..

May u be well..
I wont ask anything after this..
Goodbye..

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Takut

Kta takut nk tanya awk

Sbb smlm kakmun ckp..
Faidz bgtau kakmun..
Awk ada girlfriend..
Dan he is sure it is not me..

Kalau kta gf awk.mst la kta tau kan..
But no..
He is quite sure that u have someone..

So..
Kkta xtau nk ckp apa..
Speechless..

Should i ask u..
Or should not..?

Sbb kalau mmg awk ada gf..kta nk start jauhkan diri dpd awk..
Tp kalau awk xde gf..kta masih ada harapan..

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Me-young ( read as miang) 😛😛😛

I texted him..
Gediks kan iolzz..

Awk mcm mana arini..? Sorry mesej malam2 buta..kta locum arini.. take care..

And his reply:

Wow..terernya wada..kta kat ..... mall..main bowling dgn family..

Alamaks..
Apa yg terer nya?
Haha.
Adakah sy seperti perempuan bz body di situ..?
I just texted u..so that awk take care..
Plz do take a good care of yourself k..

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More of him

Semalam punya cerita..
Arini he is not around..
And i was busy in the ward..
Balik kerja magrib..
Sedih...

Ok..
More of him..

Adiknya call..nk suruh dia bawak kereta honda dia pegi merisik nun di besut..
But he disagreed..
He asked the brother to bring his own car..
Coz he is tired..
Balik keja dh nak kena gerak ke terengganu..

The brother keeps on asking for him to drive his accord instead..

He insisted not to..

After he hang up the phone..:

Adik kta ni..sibuk nk suruh bwk kereta kta gi sana..dh la dh lunyai kereta tu dia bawak..

Ala..xpe la..abang nya kan ada kereta besar.. awk kan nk gi merisik..so..kena la tunjuk yg the best..

Wada..alza tu kereta dia..so bawak la kereta dia..knpa nk bawak kereta honda pulak..

Apa salahnya..mana tau girlfriend adik awk dh siap ckp pd fmily dia.. man ada kereta besar.. tak pun..abg man ada kereta besar.. mana tau mak ayah dia yg teringin naik kereta awk..bawak je la..diorg pun bangga la nnt yg dtg merisik bawak kereta besar..

Ishhh..wada ni..tu mcm nak menunjuk2 je..

Apa salahnya menunjuk2..awk kan nk pegi merisik..mmg la kena tunjuk yg the best..

Ish..xelok tau menunjuk2.. xpe la..naik la kereta alza tu...lgpn.alza tu mmg man punya..kta nak jaga la kereta kta punya value..

Ok..suka ati awk la..mana2 pun ok..


Then..
Petang sebelum dia balik...

We met as i wanted to give daging korban tu..

Nnt baik2 tau.. adik awk drive kn..ati2 k..

Eh wada ni..takla..kta yg drive..
And he smiles...


Maka sy pun tersengih bak kerang busuk di situ..
Td nak suruh si man yg drive kereta alza..
Then tukar fikiran lak..dia yg drive ke sana..


And at 1230am i received a text message that he has just arrived..

Smoga awk selamat kat sana
Smoga perjalanan pulang awk pun selamat..
Smoga dpermudahkan urusan merisik utk adik awk..
Paling utama..smoga awk tak jatuh hati dgn awek2 di sana..

Haha

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Again

Bermasalah dh hidup ku ini..
And i think i am falling in love with him..again and again..

Tak tau nk ckp dgn siapa..
Tapi hati ni meronta2 nk mntk someone to help release all these feelings that i have for him..

We went out for our lunch today..

Arini awk keluar lunch..?

Keluar kot wada..gi tapperz jom..

Ok..jom..

As easy as that..
So we went out..
And i think i am falling for him more sbb he sacrifices a lot for d family..
A lot..

Esok kta cuti..

Oh..ok..

Esok kta nak g terengganu..Ni la..nak anta adik kta pergi merisik..

Eh..awk x cerita pun nk g terengganu..

Ni kta cerita la ni..hehe..


And the story went on and on and on..

I am there listening to his stories and what i can really say is that..he cares so much about his siblings and he thinks less for himself..

His brother called..
And the way he talked to him..oh..
I have seen another guy yg bercakap with his adik lelaki as well..
Tp no..
He is so soft and his tone when he talks with his brother..
ya Allah.. i dont know if i am that kind and loving to my baby sister..

And lots of things happen..
Basically..
Small things..
But for me..
The small things are the one that matters the most..

When he laughs..
And teased..
When he tells all his worries and woes with his bos and all..
When he waited as what he has promised to me..

Oh..if only he knows.

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Terharu

Kena tulis gak kat sini..
Takut lupa..

Awk keluar makan mana..?

Kta tak tau lagi.. awk kat mana..?

Kta kat serdang lagi..lama lak amik daging2 tu..mak mertua adik kta banyak bcerita..

Oooo..

Hmm.awk nk makan mana..? Kta anta pd tempat makan awk je la..

Eh.. xpe.xpe..hmmm..kta tunggu la..awk agak2 sampai dlm kul brapa..?

Hmm.kta takut jamm..so..dlm setengah jam camtu..ala..tp nnt awk lambat nk gi makan..kta sampai around 1.25pm..ala..

Xpela..kta tunggu la awk..

Abes..awk nk mkn lunch apa..

Xpe la..kta beli je apa2 kat bawah ni..

Ala..xpela ..awk gi la keluar makan..nnt ptg sikit kta dtg ikn..

Eh..eh..awk xpayah la ulang alik..susahkan awk je..

Xpeje..umah kta xjauh sgt pn dpd ikn..

Xpe..xpayah ulang alik..susah awk je wada..awk cuti smpai bila..? Bila awk kerja..?

Esok kta dh kerja..

Esok je wada..xpayah la susah2 ulang alik..esok k..

Xpe ke..?

Xpe..jangan susah2 ulang alik..esok k..

Ok..tq

Esok je tau.. see you wada.. see u..

And i hang up....


Awww..
Camne ni..
Xpayah la nak buat2 org cair siap ckp see you wada..see u..

Ish..kta ni ntah sape2 je la..jangan la buat kta terharu ganda 23..😶😶😶😶

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Tak pantas untukmu

Was browsing through his FB..
And tekan sana..tekan sini..
Tiba2 masalah lama dtg smula..
I dont think that i am good enough for him..

1st..he has been living with orang2 cantik..
Both his sisters are pretty..
Mmg mereka tak fotogenik sgt..but in real life.. mereka cantik..putih..kulit bersih.. and tinggi kurus..
Seriously..
So kecantikan adalah satu kebiasaan utk dia..

2nd..he has everything..
Dia ada duit..and harta..
And his title.. of course i am a Dr as well but.. in a wider context..
A male Dr and has everything..
Duit..harta..kereta..
What else do u want in a guy..?

3rd..he can choose..
Face it wada..
Of course everyone will choose someone yg younger.. if not younger pun..someone yg lebih cantik..
Which i am not..
I am an ugly old girl..full stop..

4th..he is funny and suka bercakap and suka tolong org..
So.. of course la..another plus point for him..

5th..have i mentioned that he is a single doctor..?
So..yeahhhh..he has everything..

So..
Menyedari hakikat ni smua..
Sebelum aku lebih jauh terjerumus dlm kancah kekeliruan yg bakal membuat aku lebih merana..
Aku harus dgn rela hati mengundur diri..

Walaupun harapan utk mendapat someone yg baik dan memahami tu mungkin do-able with him..
Tp..melihat dalam keadaan aku skrg..dibandingkan dia..
Aku tak layak..

So..
Faham2 la hati..
Jangan lebih banyak terjatuh terhadap dia..

Jangan duk usya2 carik dia parking mana ari2..
Jangan duk tgk2 jam dgn harapan menggunung dpt jumpa dia..kejap pn jadi la..
Jangan duk mesej2 dia dh..tanya kabar la..awk ok ke x la.. plastik sgt wada..

Dont wada..
Dont..

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